


Chasing A Starlight

by smallstarfox



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Bartenders, Bittersweet Ending, Blackouts, Cognitive Dissonance, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/F, First Dates, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Light Angst, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Mental Breakdown, Nonbinary Character, Repressed Memories, Tattoos, Time Skips, Waiters & Waitresses, human nature au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 39,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24257329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallstarfox/pseuds/smallstarfox
Summary: She had been searching for her for a whole year, while everyone around her told her not to. In a bid to bring more of her sister back to her, Sonya organises a trip for her and Yaz across to the next city to her favourite location - the Hard Rock Cafe! However, Yaz certainly wasn't expecting to hear the same cheerful tone that had been swirling around her head for the last twelve months. But who exactly is 'Lee', and why do they bring back such strong feelings of the Doctor?
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 59
Kudos: 64





	1. Far Away From The Memories

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sadlatimer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadlatimer/gifts).



> I never expected to chuck another AU out, but here we are. This is what happens when you're enabled.  
> Kinda always wanted to do a Human Nature AU though. Never really knew what plot to do for it though.  
> So here we are! This won't be long, maybe half a dozen chapters at most.  
> Either way, I hope you're ready for a little bit of a rollercoaster and perspective swaps each update.
> 
> Entirely brought on thanks to my buddy Finn <3
> 
> (Song Inspiration: Starlight - Muse)

She didn't really want to go. Then again, there was only one thing that she wanted right now. Something that she had wanted for months. Maybe Sonya was right; maybe she did need to get away for a little bit. After all, all of her searching had brought up nothing, so why couldn't she just forget it all? Easy; because her brain would never let her rest, not even for a single moment. She could still hear her laugh, see her smile, somehow the scent of tea and oil still clung to her clothes no matter how often she washed them. No, she really did need a break. Her parents had already gone away for the weekend to the coast, so she could hop over to the next city over. How bad could it be? Letting out a quiet sigh, Yaz finished folding her last shirt and carefully placed it inside her backpack. Two nights, that was it. She was going to be out of Sheffield for two nights and nothing more. Her work had practically bitten her hand off at her using some of her allocated holiday days finally, almost shoved her out of the door with a wave and a smile. Sonya had been planning it for two months now apparently. Since when had so much time passed? Shaking her head, Yaz tried not to think about anything anymore. Unless it was to do with spending the weekend with her sister in Manchester. She had tried to push it back, but there was only so long that Sonya would take a raincheck. Even worse now she had passed her driving test too. She was practically kidnapping her. But, that was what she needed.

Zipping the bag up, Yaz slung one of the straps across her shoulder and held it firm with one hand. She picked her phone up off the bed and stared blankly at the new message. She had told Ryan that she was going to be out for a couple of days, and he too was enthusiastic over the idea of her having some fun and some space. Really, she was the only one left who even still thought of...

"Yaz? Get your ass in gear already! You said you'd be ready ten minutes ago now. Don't you even think of bailing on me. You promised, remember?"

Sliding her phone into the pocket of her leather jacket, Yaz took one last look at the absolute state that was her bedroom, before turning to the door and wishing it all goodbye. Dramatic, for just a short trip, but perfectly in key with where her head was. Everything had been pushed to the wayside since the Doctor had set another TARDIS off to send them home. She had spent almost an entire year looking around Sheffield for any signs of her. Yaz had checked the local and global news stories, almost praying for something out of the ordinary to show up that could lead her to the Doctor. But nothing did, it never did. Everyone else had moved on without her - just like the Doctor had asked, she shouldn't be surprised - and yet she was still stuck in the past. Yaz had finished her probation, become a full officer, her mum had a new job, Sonya was picking herself up to being a much more well rounded person than she was. The whole world had continued on while she had been stuck in a rut. Wishing for the Doctor to come back.

"Alright, alright. I'm coming. Not like I can even find an escape route...let's get going then."

As expected, Sonya was right outside her door, keys in hand, smiling at her with an odd mixture of excitement and concern. Yaz tried to brush her off with her own smile, but evidently hiding wasn't about to work any time soon.

"Look...I know things've been rough...but...just try and enjoy yourself? Please? For me?"

She was brought into a tight but quick hug, left standing for a moment as Sonya bounded over towards the front door and waited for her. No turning back. Yaz followed her out onto the walkway, locking the door and triple checking it before the two of them walked down to the carpark. The summer air felt warm against her skin, although the breeze reminded her why she had left with a jacket on. The only times she had really left the house had been for work or to spend far too many hours checking every nook and cranny in Sheffield for any signs of the Doctor. It surprised her how nice it felt to breathe in some fresh air and not be tied down to obligations or worries. They still lay in the back of her head, threatening to spill over, but with Sonya tugging at her arm to hurry up down the flights of stairs, they were kept at bay. The family estate had gone with her parents to the coast, leaving Yaz in the capable hands of her sister and a very tiny city car. She tossed her bag onto one of the back seats, taking her sister's in kind and doing the same. With the car packed up, she slotted into the front seat and smiled warmly as Sonya messed around with the CD player for far too long before settling on her set of driving tunes for the day.

"Isn't that the mixed CD you made when you were, like, 10?"

"Nothing beats some nostalgia, thought an old lady like you might like a trip down memory lane."

"Oi!"

If it wasn't for the fact that Sonya had started the car, Yaz would have absolutely thrown a dead arm her way. So, she settled for a playful death glare and some quiet laughter. When was the last time she had even laughed? Guess her sister was right on the money about her needing some rest. To keep herself occupied while the satnav set itself up, Yaz pulled her phone out of her pocket and flicked the screen on. The message from Ryan still sat there, unopened and unread, calling out to her. It was only right she finally answered him...even if it was about a week later than she had intended. Thankfully, he had been more than considerate and understanding about her need for space. Although, he never did entertain her about any discussion about the Doctor. Quickly scrolling through the message - a general hope that she was okay and him talking about his latest football goal with his mates - Yaz sent a little something back, just to prove she hadn't jumped off the face of the planet again.

_'Check you and your skills. You need to show me your moves sometime, need a kick about with you soon. Anyway, Sonya finally dragged me out to this thing in Manchester so I'll tell you about it when I get back. Say hi to Graham for me yeah? X'_

With a few extra clicks, Yaz set her phone to silent and settled herself in for the drive over to Manchester. An hour in the car with Sonya, with some very nice music going, it wasn't as bad as she had thought it was going to be. Nothing was...everything was fine.

* * *

"Right then, where're you taking me? Please tell me we aren't gonna stay out all night..."

With her sister's arm looped through her own, Yaz blindly followed Sonya through the streets of Manchester, smiling at the clear bounce in her step as she moved. Ever since she had come home alone, the two of them had started to see more eye to eye on things. Sure, they still had their banter - Yaz was sure she was never going to truly and completely get on with her sister - but she had been the only person to really listen to her fears and all the thoughts that ran around inside her head. After the incident, much like when they were both younger, Sonya had been the one there to pick up the pieces and help to glue her back together again.

"Well, you remember you said there was somewhere you always wanted to go, but didn't have anyone to go with? Ta-da! Welcome to the Hard Rock Cafe! What'dya think?"

She remembered? After all that time? Yaz stood, completely dumbfounded, across the street from the golden double doors and the little canopy with the brand logo. She had seen the various different Hard Rock Cafe's in other places across the globe, dreamt of the day she would go and see one herself. Most of them had flashy neon signs, guitars, massive things to draw the eye. But this one was understated, save for the umbrellas sticking out from the outdoor tables and the posters in the upper windows. Actually, she preferred it that way. There was an understated nuance that didn't pass her by unawares. It was perfect. A wide smile graced her face as she pulled herself free from Sonya and all but grappled her in the tightest hug she could. Sonya coughed and laughed, trying to wriggle free of her over exuberant sister before giving in and hugging her back in kind.

"Love you Sonya..."

"Eugh, gross. You sap. Love you too, I guess. Lemme go so we can sit down, yeah? I really don't wanna get spotted being soft."

Much to their delight, one of the outside tables became free as a couple slowly made their way away from the building. Sonya ran over and slid across into one of the chairs and did a little fist bump into the air with pride. Yaz took the other free seat, taking a moment to push aside the several empty glasses. Evidently the two before them had just come for drinks and nothing else, which was a shame really. Not that she had anything against alcohol, it just sometimes felt as if that was all the world cared about. At least she was catered for at the cafe. Really, Yaz was less bothered about the food and drink, she just wanted to feel the buzz and then spend far too long in the shop picking out something to bring home with her. Still, while she was there she already knew what she was going to get off the menu. Yaz and Sonya took one each, having a quick look over it before a mutual decision was made. Almost eerily on cue, Sonya turned her head and caught sight of someone walking over from inside the main restaurant. Yaz was too busy fishing around in her bag in an attempt to fish out her wallet, but immediately froze up as she heard a voice call out.

"Hiya ladies, welcome to the Hard Rock Cafe! What can I do you for?"

No...no, it couldn't be. It just couldn't be. The whole world seemed to shrink in on her as Yaz shot upright and tried to process the joyful voice. It wasn't Mancunian. It was from her neck of the woods. It was familiar, bitterly so, and she swore that daggers pierced her throat closed as the waitress bounced over towards them. It had been a year almost, there was no way it was her. Everything became muffled static as Yaz watched Sonya talk to the waitress about their order. She only zoned in again when the lady turned towards her and smiled. Her eyes were the same hazel-green, flecked with gold and brown, shimmering with a promise and wonder that seemed almost dull and hidden. But nothing else about her rang true to her memories. No, far from it. Pale skin was lit up with a hard spattering of freckles, shining with several piercings dotted across her face and in her ears. Thick blue stretchers bounced slightly as she talked, a bright smile hardly comparing to the bright silver and blue ended tangle of hair that rested half on her shoulders and half tied up behind her. A grey hard Rock shirt was half obscured by a thick black apron, a slender finger pointing out to the name tag.

"Name's Lee. I'll come back with your drinks in a sec and then I'll go grab your food. Brilliant choice on the lemonade by the way, it's ace! Totally recommend it. Anyway, back in a tic."

Like that, she was gone again, still carrying Yaz's attention up until the moment she disappeared through the golden doors and out of her sight. Either her mouth had hit the floor, or she had paled, because she felt several taps against her arm and Sonya looking over with a perplexed look on her face.

"Um...earth to Yaz? You...you okay?"

How could she even begin to say; no, no I'm not okay, because that woman looks and sounds EXACTLY like the Doctor except she also really doesn't and I'm not entirely sure if I want to be here anymore, can we please go home before she comes back over here?

"I..."

Yaz let out a sigh she had no idea she was holding, feeling a ton of bricks come crashing down on her shoulders. Fingers came up and knotted into her hair, nails dragging across her scalp as she groaned and dropped her head down onto the cool wood of the table. Sonya thankfully waited for her to collect herself again, although that did take several minutes and them some. Soon enough she was sitting up again, a little bit of colour returning to her cheeks as she tried her best to not look over to the door again.

"Just...kinda feels like I saw a ghost. Or, heard one. Or both."

"Wait...you mean 'cause she's got an accent like us?"

"No. I mean, yeah kinda. Ugh...never mind. Just...let's just forget it, yeah? Think I just need to get some food in me and I'll be alright. Guess my blood sugar just dropped down low or something."

Thankfully, Sonya bought up what she said, although Yaz couldn't help but be fearful of the time between the waitress coming back.

"Pitcher of the strawberry and basil lemonade, and a couple of glasses for you. There ya go!"

Yaz tried her best not to instinctively flinch at the cheery voice, putting on her best smile and taking the glass from her carefully. Once the pitcher was set down on the table, Yaz expected the waitress to leave. Except, she seemed to linger, bouncing on her heels with the plastic tray under one arm. It was only then that she noticed the tattoos that were peering out from slightly raised sleeves.

"So, first time down here?"

Of course she wanted to talk more. Unable to find the will to open her mouth, Yaz was beyond glad that she had decided to come out with Sonya after all. She relished in a good chit chat, unlike her. Boring pleasantries from retail workers did nothing but infuriate her most of the time, and this was a small exception if only because she could feel the undealt-with-trauma start to peek out again.

"Yeah, never been before. Just hopped over from Sheffield, you know? My sister's been smitten with this place for years. Thought I'd drag her out. Change of scenery and all that."

"Thought I recognised the accent! My neck of the woods, love to hear it. The Mancs like to take the piss outta my accent. Tossers. Anyways, enjoy your drinks. Shouldn't be too long before I'm back with your food. Actually should be done by the time I get in. Just needed to drag it out a little. Hope you don't mind a bit of a chat."

The blur of silver and blue vanished inside again, leaving Yaz staring off into the distance as Sonya scoffed and poured out the lemonade for them to share. Aside from the rather dubious looking basil leaves floating in the mix of orange and red, it looked pretty good. Which, Sonya declared as much, just about dragging Yaz out of her second stupor of the day. Somehow sweating hands took hold of the glass, and she let out a sigh at the cool contact. The drink itself was definitely light on the basil taste, but that didn't bother her. It was refreshing, and honestly the best thing she had drank in a long time. By the time she put the glass down again and went to try and talk to her sister, the commotion started again. Except this time, Yaz forced herself to pay attention. The waitress was coming back over with a terribly overstacked plate of nachos along with what looked to be some kind of salad. Both items balanced precariously on her tray, although thankfully they made it to the table without a hitch. It was when she bent down to slide them across, that Yaz caught sight of something shining in the light.

"Nice pins."

Words came out before even she had a chance to register them, and Yaz felt herself instantly starting to heat up again as a wide beaming smile came her way. The waitress tucked the tray under her arm and held one hand on her hip, as the other gestured towards a small row of pins on the right side of her apron.

"Ta! Kinda started a little trend with my colleagues with it. Just helps when doing the job. I can speak English, German, and Polish too. Well, enough to get by anyways. Makes people feel more comfortable, you know? Hearing a voice they recognise."

Yaz tried her best not to let the last part get to her, feeling the knives in her throat and lungs start to twist ever deeper.

"A-and those?"

She pointed to two button badges that sat either side of her name badge.

"Oh! Love when this comes up. Best part of my day! S'my pronouns. You both look like you get it, so I won't bore ya with the ins and outs. They's the one I get by on the most, but I don't really mind any of them, hence the they and the any. Sometimes you just gotta smash the expectations of the world and go for what feels right. Anywho, thanks for asking. Really appreciate it..."

Soon, the hand that was pointing towards the badges came out and idly gestures between the two of them. Sonya had already forgone all social pretence and started to heave out a very loaded tortilla chip from the pile, which left Yaz to fend for herself.

"Y-Yasmin. And Sonya. Thanks...Lee..."

The name felt like poison in her mouth, but thankfully Lee seemed entirely oblivious to her awkwardness and merely waved them off before skipping inside again. Hopefully, the food would take her mind off it. Judging by the noises Sonya was making, her hopes for the Cafe were right on the money. Carefully navigating her way around cheese, beans and several jalapeños, Yaz took a more than over exuberant bite of nachos. Just like that...it was like Lee never existed at all. It was the best thing she had ever tasted in her life. Then again, the bar was a little low considering she mostly only ever ate whatever Indian cuisine her parents cooked on a daily basis. Still, it was beyond delicious, and Yaz hummed with delight. In fact, she was so enamoured by the food, she almost fought Sonya on several occasions for the most loaded tortilla chip. The two of them would find flecks of salsa and sour cream against their hands and wrists as they jostled for the best pieces, both laughing and letting the world around them melt away into the cooling summer air. It was perfect.

"Thanks for dragging me out Sonya...I know I've been a bit of a-"

"Bitch? Yeah, just a little. But it's cool. I get it. Well, I don't but you know. Someone's gotta make sure you're alright. I care about you, shock horror. So do a ton of other people. It's a bummer seeing you so down. Thought you could do with something nice is all. Oh, and you totes owe me after this. Just saying."

"Oh lay off! As if!"

While Sonya was reaching for another chip, Yaz scooped up one of the forks into her hand and quickly brought the prongs down onto it, snapping it into little shards and smirking gleefully at her little moment of chaos. Sonya's mouth dropped, expression soon twisting into that of a kicked puppy. The two locked eyes but soon burst into laughter at the absurdity of it all. Oh, Yaz really had missed being happy and carefree. She certainly missed joking around with Sonya and acting like children, rather than the semi responsible adults they were supposed to be. It had been far too long since she had just had fun like that. Her mind slowly drifted over to Ryan, how she had mentioned having a game with him sometime. Once she was done at the cafe, she made a promise to herself to drop him another message and set a date in stone. It was the least she could do.

Plates and glasses pushed aside, the two of them made the decision to go inside and check out the shop for themselves. Yaz was particularly excited, especially as one of her favourite songs had just come on the stereo system and she could hear it leaking out into the street. She jumped up and practically dragged Sonya out of her seat, almost colliding with someone in the process. Of course, it had to be Lee.

"Woah there! Hope you're not gonna do a dine and dash on me, you two. Really don't wanna have to chase you down the street. Had to do that to a guy a couple of days ago. Wanker."

Muttering an apology under her breath, Yaz turned to Sonya, who looked fit to burst with laughter. Shaking her head, she pulled her arm from out of her sister's grasp and pushed her towards the golden doors.

"She just wants to go look at the stuff inside. I've got the bill. Show me to the till, yeah?"

"Oh, 'course! I totally recommend one of the shirts. Not paid to say that at all, I swear! But anyway, money, yeah. Come on."

While Yaz turned off to the left, just about catching sight of her sister disappearing with the waitress, she marvelled at everything on display. The inside of the building was just as good as the pictures she had seen, if not better. The music was the right kind of loud, bustling with people, neon lights drawing her eye to more music memorabilia than she could take in. Guitars, records, there was even an old Harley Davidson just parked up in the way. Buzzing with excitement, she looked over the shelves and racks, fingers trailing through the fabrics of the shirts as she checked out the designs. No, she was definitely picking one of them up. Her eyes landed on a dark grey shirt with the logo on, and she was sold. Bundling it on her arms, Yaz quickly made her way to the shop tills and bought it before she had a chance to think of backing out. By the time she had a paper bag in one hand, Sonya was smiling at her.

"Really couldn't resist it, huh?"

"Don't care, it's worth it to me. Now then, what's the plan for the rest of the night?"

Both of them left the restaurant, Yaz holding the door open so Sonya could go through first. However, she froze up.

"Catch ya later, Sonya! See ya, Yaz! Nice meeting you!"

Twisting on her heels, Yaz turned around and wanted to scream at the waitress, but she was gone. Probably disappeared into the back. Completely unaware of what had transpired, Sonya tugged on the sleeve of Yaz's jacket and pulled her out of the restaurant and started to talk about what was going to happen next. Except Yaz wasn't listening to her, not at all. Her body felt weak and broken, cold and sick, everything that could be wrong - was. Worst of all, there was no way she could tell her sister what had happened, Yaz convinced herself that Sonya would think she was crazy. Again. No, she had to keep it quiet. At least until she could tell someone else.

* * *

Rolling over in the bed, Yaz looked over at the cheap bedside clock her room had. Two am. Had she even fallen asleep at all? Probably not. Her stomach was still in knots and the only thing she could see in her head was the woman from the cafe. Grumbling, she pulled her phone over and winced as the screen lit up. She needed to talk to someone. Sonya quietly snored to herself, far too deep in sleep for her to wake up. Not that she wanted to. There was only one person she could even think of talking to at that hour. More than likely the only person to be awake too. Holding her breath, Yaz tried to shift out of the bed as quietly as she could, tiptoeing her way into the bathroom. She cursed under her breath as the door gave a creak and a groan as she pulled at it, but thankfully Sonya didn't seem to hear her. She slid inside, clicking the door shut and seating herself on the floor with her back to the bathtub. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she scrolled through her contacts and pressed the call button. With the phone to her ear, she waited.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

"Mmmm...wha? Yaz? Mate, what time is it?"

"Oh god, Ryan, please tell me I didn't wake you up."

There was a beat of silence, followed by some shuffling, before Ryan answered.

"No, I'm playing Fifa with Tibo and the gang. Since when was it two? Geez. Should probably leave off soon. Anyways, what're you calling me for? Thought you were out with Sonya? Wait...are you okay? Nothing bad happened has it? Oh man, I can't come over there and save you, not unless I wake up Gra-"

"Everything's fine! Promise! Um...well...actually...no, no it's kinda not. Well, It is and it isn't. Ugh, Ryan, I think I'm going crazy and you're the only person I know will tell me straight."

Again, another pause. Yaz anxiously chewed her tongue as she heard another round of shuffling before Ryan gave a heavy sigh.

"Why'd you think you're crazy?"

"Because...because I've found her, Ryan. I think I've found the Doctor."


	2. I Will Be Chasing A Starlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz dragged Ryan back to the cafe to prove her point, and serendipitously, Lee just so happens to be on shift at exactly the same time. But why do they feel strange around her, and why is her name giving her a near-blackout?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am getting on this quick haha  
> Thank you for the feedback and love so far, I really appreciate it! <3  
> I hope this update delivers for you.

_ Space. A sky full of stars. Nebula of all shapes and sizes and colours. She could see them all, feel the cold and the warm and the magic of it all. But...was it her? It couldn’t be. She was watching from the outside, looking in. Blonde hair, bouncing, arms flying in all directions. Turning around, walking inside...something. A golden light. Crystals. Voices. Three voices. So distant, so hard to make out. Why couldn’t she hear them properly? Why couldn’t she see anything clearly anymore. A flash of pale blue, wrapped around the blonde haired figure. A sense of joy, freedom. Lurching. Groaning. Wheezing. Something moving, something coming to life. Changing. Shifting. Twisting. Turning. Fading. Falling away. Where was she going? Who was she with? Why was it the same scene, over and over again? _

Eyes slowly opened to beams of sunlight breaking through the gaps in her curtains, dust particles floating around and drawing her attention as they slowly shuffled out from the tight cocoon they woke up in. Rainbow striped duvet was tossed to one side, throwing a cold draught over their body in the process. Running two hands through their matted silver and blue hair, they sat up and let out a long and loud yawn. Lee scanned over the mess of their room, brushing it off for another day before dragging themselves out of bed. Stumbling their way over discarded shirts, magazines and a few dozen stacks of CDs, Lee made their way towards the kitchen. Coffee was the only thing that could even begin to get them ready for work. Not that the thrill of talking to dozens and dozens of people didn’t give them a kick. Just not the best one for eight in the morning. They pulled a mug out from the top shelf of a cupboard on the edge of their tiptoes, setting it down alongside a cheap tin of instant coffee and stolen sugar packets.

“Hmm...two of that, ten of those...that’s about right. Perfect!”

As they set the kettle to boil, Lee tore the tops of the sugar packets off their teeth, dumping in ten little sachets of silvery sweetness on top of their heaped spoons of coffee ground. They flicked on the small stereo system and started to dance around the room as the current set of rock tunes played out loud and proud. Hair flew in all directions - arms too - the beat taking over their body and putting the first spring in their step. Although, their lack of coordination soon became evident as they stumbled into the kitchen counter, barely managing to catch the flipped spoon before it hit the floor. Amused grin on their face, Lee skipped over to the just boiled kettle and poured the steeping water into the mug. They went to take a sip of it, still burning hot, but thought better of it as the steam blew up their nose and tickled it. Repressing the urge to sneeze, Lee put the mug back down and wandered across the way to the bathroom. Their uniform was already laid out on top of the toilet cistern, although that was for later.

“Uh...plan. Shower...grab some dye, probably a new septum too...chill in the Costa and check out those gigs next week and beg John to let me off a shift...then spend eight hours on the bar telling everyone that I had that fuck-off weird dream again. Sounds legit.”

With the water streaming, Lee tossed their tattered Nirvana shirt and checked shorts into the corner and dove under the shower head. Aside from the recurring space dreams, everything seemed pretty alright for a Saturday morning. That was, until something started to work into their head. A thought - just a little one - about one of their customers. Specifically, a new one. Even more specifically, a very nice looking girl called Yasmin. They knew that was her name, they had asked for it, except that wasn’t what they had called her. What had they said again? Working some colour shampoo into their hair, Lee thought long and hard about the weeks before. Something about it was bothering them, but they couldn’t quite place what it was.

_ ‘Yasmin...Yasmin...Yasmin…’ _

“YAZ!”

Spikes of pain, like red hot pokers, shot through their skull and bored into their eye sockets. Hands lurched out and tried to grip on to the tiles, too slick of shampoo, scrambling for purchase as the crushing agony blurred out their vision and made them drop to their knees in the shower. Bones cracked loudly, muscles ached, the pain blinding them. It had been a month since their last episode. Really, it was only a matter of time before another one took them out and crippled them. Flashes of colour - of space - appeared in front of their closed eyes as water trailed down their hair and into their mouth as they tried to control their breaths. It was going to pass...it always did. But Yaz...The more they thought about it, the more pain came, teeth crushing their lower lip as they tried to stifle a scream of anguish. As the minutes ticked away, the pain slowly began to subside, falling back into the darkest reaches of their mind. When Lee finally found themselves able to open their eyes, they decided to forgo the rest of the shower and just get ready to leave the house. Grabbing two dye stained towels from the handrail, Lee tucked one around their chest and furiously rubbed at their hair with the other. It was going to be much easier to just tie it up and let it dry on its own.

A quick change into the nearest clothes from the not-dirty pile - a dusty red Augustines shirt and some torn up jeans - and Lee was ready to get going. Slinging a pin covered messenger bag over one shoulder and picking up their keys and phone, the heat of the outside world felt like a smack in the face. Work was going to be a drag if it kept up. With the door locked, Lee bounced down the stairs two at a time, humming the last song they had heard on the radio and landing with a loud crash of thick soled boots. It was far too nice a day to spend sitting on a clammy crowded bus, so they turned the corner from the main doors and grabbed a bright blue bike from out of the holding rack. Much to the dismay of all their friends, they had named the bike "Totally Awesome Riding, Doubly Impressive Style", aka the TARDIS. They thought it was great. Everyone else was just too stupid to appreciate their genius linguistics. Slinging one leg over, they pushed off, giving the little bell a few cursory rings and smiling gleefully as they rolled down the pavement.

As expected the streets were relatively empty, meaning that their route into the city centre was void of any accidental knocks and stumbles. Not that Lee wasn’t good at bike riding...just not the most agile when it came to avoiding the pedestrians. By the time they arrived at the chemists, more people were dragging themselves out into the open. Quickly sliding through a gap in the held open door, Lee skipped over to the shelves of hair dye. While they were in love with the current celestial fade, a part of them wanted to try something new. Pink? No, way too girly. What about ginger? They always wanted to try ginger. Or, some kind of orange at least. Grabbing two boxes of tangerine labelled dye, Lee dropped them down at the till and swiped their card at the machine with a cheerful grin.

“Changing the colour again? You really don’t like sticking to anything, do you.”

“Ah, you know me Luce. Gotta keep the world on its toes. ‘Sides, I think I’d make an awesome ginger. Aimee seems to think so, don’t you Aimee?”

Lee called out to the back of the chemists, and soon a very delighted woman’s head popped up from behind a stack of medicine shelves.

“Too bloody right I would! Been dying to see you as a ginge for months now. Come back once it’s done, yeah?”

“Will do! Remind me to organise a catch up too. I’m sure Dave’ll gimme some time off. Oh! We should totally try that new cocktail bar over the way. Need to critique their game.”

With a smile and a wave, Lee was gone again, pulling their bike along the streets and heading towards the closest cafe. One cup of coffee just wasn’t enough to keep them awake, and with the chaos of the dream and the shower incident, they were really feeling the lack of a buzz. Leaning their bike up in a side alley, they made their way into the shop and stood in line to order. About half way down, just about preparing their order, they felt a buzzing in their jean pocket. Tugging out their phone and flicking the screen to light, they quirked an eyebrow at the out-of-hours call from their boss and picked up.

“David? ‘Sup mate?”

_ ‘Lee! Oh, thank fuck you picked up. Three tenders I’ve tried to call today. THREE! Anyway, Rosie’s called in sick. Or, Craig called in on her behalf. Something about possible appendicitis. I don’t know. Anyway, can you come in early? Please? I’ll give you a four day weekend in two weeks, I promise. I need my best tender on this.’ _

“Uh. Shit. Yeah. Just...lemme get out of this queue at the Costa. When do you need me?”

_ ‘An hour?’ _

“Oh for- Fine. But there better be a litre of coffee waiting for me at the bar by the time I get there. AND a double pack of custard creams. It’s a good fucking job I like you, Smithy, you know that, yeah? This lifesaver will catch you in a lick.”

So much for a triple shot latte with cinnamon. Semi-decent knock-off American coffee would have to suffice for the day. Apologising to the guy behind them, Lee slipped out of the queue and saddled back up onto their bike. It was always a pain to shelve their day for work but if Rose was that ill, how could they refuse? They peddled hard and fast, somehow managing to avoid most of the people who were now crowding the streets. However, the rush to get ready for work was already leaving them craving another shower. It was too much of an intense summer, the city seriously needed a downpour or ten. Pushing their bike into the empty slot in the lot, Lee raced to the door and fumbled around for far too long trying to get their keys from out of their bag. After almost dropping them twice, they finally got inside and started to race up the stairs. By the time Lee was inside their flat again, they were panting hard and wheezing with each breath. Damn, they needed to work out. Running was a pain, since when were they so unfit? Messenger bag was dropped on the floor, followed by the scattering of jeans and tshirt as they stumbled into the bathroom and dragged their work clothes off the cistern.

“Should probably ask for a stop in the freezer one I get in...I’m dying.”

Lee pulled up the wide legged black trousers and fiddled with the buttons on their short sleeved black shirt. Lanyard. Lanyard. Where had they left that again? Grumbling and cursing profusely, Lee ran from the bathroom to the bedroom, then the lounge, before finally finding their lanyard hanging off the door of a kitchen cupboard. Maybe one day they would be organised. Making sure that their ID card, nametag and pins were all set in the right places, they were finally ready to get going again. Bag back in tow - along with two lots of extra deodorant - Lee set off for the extended bike ride to work.

* * *

“LEE! Oh you absolute angel! You will absolutely get compensated for this, I swear. Your coffee and biscuits are on the side. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

No sooner had they slipped into the kitchen through the back door, did Lee almost walk into David’s waiting arms. Slipping out of the awaiting hug rather expertly, they made a beeline for the large steaming mug of coffee sat next to an already open packet of custard creams.

“Dave, come on. I’ll be a weeping angel if you keep being such a gross sap. Just doin’ my job. Plus you know I love the guys and girls that come in. I got some epic stories to tell again, just you wait. Swear down I’ll get that four day weekend?”

David - a taller and slender stick of a man with at least two tubs of hair gel keeping his hair in place - strode over and gave Lee several pats on the back with a wide grin, almost making them choke on their soaked custard cream.

“If I could, I’d grow an extra heart just to show how much I appreciate you. Thank you.”

The two of them laughed for a moment before David disappeared to his office just off the kitchen’s hallway. Lee rolled their eyes and practically downed the coffee in mere seconds, sliding the mug across the worktop until it landed in the sink. Which prompted a glare from one of the waitresses, walking in with a tray full of used cutlery.

“Lee, do that again and I swear you’re banned from the kitchen. You’ll break the china one day, and Dave’ll take it out of your paycheck.”

Scrubbing errant biscuit crumbs from their shirt, Lee shrugged their shoulders and grinned wide.

“Ah, come off Claire. Dave loves me. Anyway, I’m glad you’re back. How was the holiday with Ash? Get up to anything ra-”

“Finish that sentence and this fork is going somewhere it shouldn’t be. It was a perfectly normal holiday with my girlfriend, thank you very much. God, how come your head’s always in the gutter? I think you’re the one who needs to get laid, not me. Get your ass on the bar already, the rush is coming early today.”

“Ooooh, sassy. Someone got out of bed on the wrong side today. Alright, I’m going. God, you sound just like my old English teacher…”

Sticking their tongue out and just narrowly avoiding a smack across the back of their head, Lee sauntered out from the kitchen and skipped in time to the music as they made their way out to the bar. Claire was right, there were already a lot of people in for lunchtime, but that was what they liked best. The bar was where they felt most comfortable, more like themselves, though they could never say why. Mixing drinks and talking to people, doing things with their hands and their brain, it was all perfect. Even better, there was someone sitting at the bar they recognised.

“Chris! Oh man, you’ll never guess what happened to me last night. Well, this morning. Well, no...you know what I mean. Anyways, you just here for your usual? Surprised you’re not in later, something up today?”

As they started to pull their first pint of the day, the man at the bar smiled softly and shook his head.

“Someone’s good today. Yeah, you could say that. Cheers Lee. Just going out later.”

One of their favourite regulars - a man of seldom few words - was Chris. Lee knew his full name, his entire order off by heart, the colour of his car, where he worked, the name of his wife and child, everything. It was a wonder that the man had to speak at all whenever he came in, as Lee would say everything for him. They adored him, if only because he was one of the few people that ever entertained their weird stories and strange historical inaccuracies when it came to several things they swore blind they had done. With the pint passed over the bar, Lee lent down on the countertop by their elbows and started to regale Chris with the story of their latest dream.

Outside in the blazing sunshine, Yaz practically dragged Ryan through the streets of Manchester, a strong stride driving her back towards the Hard Rock Cafe. She had to prove she wasn’t just going insane, she really had found the Doctor. He had been the only person free to take - she wasn’t about to go on her own - and she had promised him a considerable amount of game nights and beer to get him on board. By the time they made it to the cafe, same as before, they only just about managed to get a table outside. Ryan sat down with a long sigh, rubbing his temples with his fingers for a moment before folding his arms atop the table and drawing Yaz’s attention with a whistle.

“And you’re sure she’s a waitress here? How do you even know she’s gonna be on shift? Also, what’re you gonna say when you see her, huh? We’re gonna look ridiculous trying to talk about...you know.”

Yaz shuffled awkwardly on the wooden chair, eyes darting between the golden doors and Ryan, unsure of how to respond to him. Truth be told, she really hadn’t planned the whole thing out at all. She wasn’t even really sure why she had come back. Something was telling her to try and talk to Lee. Find out if there was anything Doctor-y about them. That had thrown her right off, anyway. Pronouns. Her Doctor was a her. Unless...had she been wrong the whole time? What did she really know about the Doctor to ask this stranger if they were the same person? It took another whistle before she was focused on Ryan completely, and Yaz felt more and more distraught by the minute.

“I know...I know. Ryan, I’m sorry. I can’t explain it. I just, really need to talk to her. I know she looks nothing like the Doctor anymore. She’s got this mad silver and blue hair, all these piercings and tattoos and-”

“Huh? You know Lee?”

A different voice broke through Yaz’s ramble and she instantly turned to see a woman standing at her side. She was dressed in the same uniform Lee had worn the last time she was there, and she knew then that another waitress had come to take their order. Either that or she was just prone to nosiness. Feeling ridiculous over being caught talking about another person who worked there, she tried to put on her best smile as she pulled a menu over and tried to pretend to be ready to order.

“Um...no, not really. They just served me last time I was here.”

“Oh, you must’ve got them when we only had three people across the service side. They’re not a waiter. God forbid. Bartender. Best place for them, they’re far too chatty to get orders in a timely manner. Speaking of, what can I get you two?”

Ryan immediately piped up about wanting a burger, and had a little back and forth with the waitress - Claire - about what exactly was the best one to get. Yaz decided she wasn’t really hungry just yet and might just steal a few of the chips off Ryan’s plate.

“Well if you’re after them, they’re on bar now. Good luck trying to get Lee to stop talking to the regulars though. Back in a bit.”

Once Claire had gone back inside the building, Yaz leant over the table and hissed at Ryan. She hated the idea coming into her head, but she had to go and say something to Lee before she chickened out and wasted a half tank of petrol. Ryan rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, shrugging Yaz off and bringing up one of the many mobile games he owned. It wasn’t much of his business anyway, he had come for support and nothing else. Did Ryan really think it was the Doctor? Well, from the rushed description he had been given...not exactly. Except he wasn’t going to tell that to Yaz. Not yet, anyway. So, he just let her dash off inside, leaving her to her own devices while he waited for the double stacked burger to arrive. Better to make the most out of the trip.

Yaz had no idea why she was so nervous, but the second she walked inside the cafe again and heard the Northern accent...she knew why. It was really difficult to miss Lee, especially the way they were gesticulating. The vibrant arm movements, the variation in tone...it was like she was looking at the Doctor all over again. Although, perhaps they really just were that similar. It stood to reason that someone on Earth had to be like her, it was statistically a probable thing. It felt like Yaz had lingered near the door for half her life, that was until she was pulled out of her daydream by the same voice she had been so encapsulated by.

“Yaz! You’re back!”

Lee waved frantically for a moment, before turning to the back of the bar and carrying on with the drinks preparation they were meant to be doing. Now having been called by name - something she doubted she would ever really get used to - Yaz made her way around a few of the tables before pulling up a seat at the bar. On the right, there were three people who were obviously the ones Lee was serving, and to her left was a man who looked like he had been slowly nursing the same pint for an hour now. He quirked an eyebrow in her direction, smiled softly, before turning back to his drink. Yaz watched as Lee brought over almost an arms-full of drinks, making sure that they all stayed unspilt as they passed them over to the customers. There was a great smile on their face, which Yaz thought suited them. Although, once the others had left, that meant she was the only other viable target in the area for conversation.

“What’cha doing back here? You with your sis again or something? I mean, this place is fab. Can’t stay away for too long before the kicking beat draws you back haha. Oh, also, are you ordering anything? You gotta be, surely.”

Twisting her fingers in her lap, Yaz shook her head and tried to work out which of the questions she should answer first. The nerves were seriously screwing with her perception.

“Just whatever cider you’ve got on tap and a coffee please. And no, not with my sister today. My mate Ryan’s outside. Thought I’d show him about a bit. He’s waiting for the food.”

“Awesome.”

Before Lee starts to get onto her order, they turn around to the guy that’s not too far off from Yaz and taps the counter to get his attention. He smiles at them, just like he did with her not too long ago.

“I’ll get back to my story in a sec Chris. I’m just getting to the good bit. Oh man, I still have chills thinking about it. You’re gonna love it, trust me. Anyways, one cider and one coffee. Right.”

Just like that, Lee was under the bar pulling out a pint glass and a cup and saucer. They jumped over to one side and set the coffee maker going, humming loudly to the song that filled the restaurant. Yaz let out a quiet sigh to herself, turning her eyes briefly towards the door before just staring absentmindedly into space. Or, she did for a minute, before she heard something.

“Lee’s a storyteller, did you know?”

Yaz turned around and looked back at the man - apparently called Chris - with confusion on her face. Surely he had to be talking to her. He smiled and laughed quietly, taking a slow sip of his beer before twisting on the stool and gesturing over towards Lee as they worked.

“Every time I come in, there’s always something new to talk about. A gig. A band. Mostly though, it’s stories about travelling through space and going to different worlds. Highlight of my day.”

“Space...travel?”

She heard him right, right? He said space travel. There was only one person in the whole universe that would talk about space travel on Earth. It had to be the Doctor. Either that, or Lee was just imaginative. Except it was too much of a coincidence for Yaz to ignore. She nodded, tempted to ask for more but she was caught off guard by two drinks appearing on the bar. A pint of cider, and her coffee. Lee stood back with their arms folded over their chest, practically beaming with pride.

“There ya go! Popped that on your bill too. Tell your mate I said hi, yeah. Nice seeing you again.”

“Y-yeah...you too…”

With one drink in each hand, Yaz gave a nod of appreciation and set off back outside. However, just as she turned away, she caught sight of Lee messing with...something, in their hands. There was a flash of silver, but soon their hands were back inside their apron pocket and their attention was back on Chris. Brushing it off as nothing important, Yaz left and heard the talk of dreams fade away as she came back outside. Much to her surprise, Ryan was half way into his burger, and barely noticed her coming back to the table. There was a tissue tucked down the front of his polo shirt, already stained with hints of ketchup and mustard. Setting the drinks down got his attention.

“If you want some chips, grab them now. This is the best food I’ve had all week! Cheers for the cider too. How’d it go in there anyways?”

Bringing the mug of coffee up to her lips, Yaz took a quick sip to gauge the need for sugar.

“It’s...perfect?”

“Huh?”

The mug came down onto the plate a little too hard, small drops of coffee going across the table as Yaz’s eyes widened and her shoulders started to shake slightly.

“Ryan. My coffee. It’s perfect. I didn’t get asked if I wanted anything in it and I was just testing it to see what needed to go in it but I don’t have to do anything because it’s already got sugar in it and I’m pretty sure there’s a splash of milk too and there’s only one person who-”

She only paused for breath because Ryan put his burger down and held a hand up to her to stop talking. Yaz didn’t know she was panicking until then, but tears started to bubble up in her eyes and she felt like the world was crashing in around her. It was the Doctor. It had to be. Nobody else knew how to make her coffee off the bat, not ever her mum. She always put a little too much sugar in for her liking somehow. The Doctor, however, seemed to know the perfect ratio of coffee to sugar that made her smile. Seeing that Yaz was starting to get worked up, Ryan pushed his chair out and came to crouch beside her, slinging one arm over her shoulder and gently patting her arm.

“Yaz. Woah, calm down. Take a few breaths for a second, yeah? Try that again, but maybe pause a little. Couldn’t exactly get what you said apart from something about your coffee.”

Wrapping her hands around the cup again, not caring about the sticky trails of coffee, Yaz took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

“Lee did my coffee. Perfectly. Without asking me how I have it. It’s her, Ryan...it’s really her. And...she was talking to this guy...at the bar...she talks about space. Nobody talks about space...it just has to be her, I know it’s her.”

The more she spoke, the more she couldn’t help but let the tears fall. It had been a year since she had lost the Doctor, a year since she had sent them home in another TARDIS back to Sheffield. She had spent a whole year looking for her, and all that time...she had been living in Manchester. But why didn’t she recognise her? Why did she look so different? Her eyes were bright, and yet so empty at the same time. Something was wrong, something had happened in the time they had been apart and she needed to know what it was more than anything. While Yaz wiped her eyes against the sleeve of her jacket, Ryan pulled back and watched. He wasn’t really the best at comforting, even now. He had tried his best for a few months, but ended up drifting away instead. He had been the first one to come to terms with the fact the Doctor had left them, he had moved on just fine while Yaz had fallen deeper and deeper into depression. If he had been wrong...if he had pushed her away for no reason, instead of listening to her…

“I believe you, Yaz.”

His voice was quiet, but Yaz heard it still, and she turned towards Ryan in disbelief.

“What?”

“I believe you. If you think that’s the Doctor in there...then you’re right. You’re an officer, Yaz, this is pretty much what you’ve been trained for, right? Noticing things? Sussing people out? Your gut’s trying to tell you something and...sorry I never listened to it.”

“...thank you.”

A moment of silence fell between them before Ryan returned to his seat and pushed the plate across the table. With a sniffle, Yaz took some of the chips and slowly started to eat while Ryan kept on with his burger. The rest of the meal was spent in quiet contemplation over what was going to come of the strange revelation of the Doctor and her whereabouts. By the time they had finished, it was decided that Ryan would go with Yaz to pay and get a look for himself over Lee. The table was left as it was, and both of them went inside the restaurant to pay. No sooner had they come inside, Lee was waving again from over at the bar. Ryan looked over to Yaz, who gave a shy wave back before heading over to the bar. He had to admit, aside from looking like she had been dragged out of the nineties, there was something about her that just screamed ‘Doctor’ to him. It was either the way her brows knitted together, or the lines by her eyes as she smiled. Much to Yaz’s surprise, he fitted the bill, carefully watching as Lee worked the till. However, he could see that her eyes kept being drawn over towards Yaz.

“Well, thanks for dropping by you two. Don’t happen to think you’ll become one of my regulars, do you? That’d be pretty cool. I mean, you don’t have to or anything. Just might be nice to have a new face to talk to every once in a while. As much as I love everyone here, y’know?”

“Thanks for the service. Come on Yaz, let’s get going before Graham thinks we’ve skipped the country without him. I think he might be interested in this place.”

“Oh! The more the merrier! Please come back. I’ll show you the secret menu if you do. Well, it’s not really a secret menu. But I like to think I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve when it comes to tending. Am I rambling again? I’m rambling again, aren’t I. Um. Anyway. Enjoy the rest of your day!”

As Ryan and Yaz left the restaurant, Lee heard a short series of coughs coming from the side of them. They turned around to see Chris smiling again, except something was different about the look they were getting. But, they couldn’t figure out what it was. With the bar quiet again, Lee stepped over and rested their arms on the counter, head tilted to one side.

“Lee, you’ve got a soft spot for that girl, haven’t you?”

“I...what?”

“You’re blushing.”

Sure enough, when they brought their hands up to their cheeks, they were burning hot. Oh...they did like her...that was unexpected. It was then that Lee realised that their heart was racing too, and all thoughts were once again consumed by the image of Yaz.


	3. You Electrify My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fam all turn up at the Cafe to assess Lee. Ryan finds out about Lee's strange dreams - memories - and unknowingly comes back with their number. Yaz takes it upon herself to get the strange Doctor-eque woman on their own and discovers much more than she bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit more packed than the first two, but it fits with where the story is going.  
> I'm glad people are enjoying this, I really am.  
> I get quite worried when I write an AU idea, because I know it's not everyones thing. Never mind also twisting the idea of 13 around in other ways.
> 
> You're about half way through the plot so far~  
> I'll be spending june doing pride prompts for thasmin too, so lets see how that works with this AU as well haha.  
> As always, thank you for your support <3

Quite possibly, Yaz had gone off the deep end with thoughts of Lee. So much so that she had been spending more and more time at Graham’s house with him and Ryan, trying to think of what on Earth had happened in the last year. Although, there was barely anything for her to go on, and she started to wonder if the boys were becoming sick of her crackpot theories and ideas. Which meant that the only thing left for her - them - to do, was to go back to Manchester. Again. Just to try and talk to the not-Doctor. This time, she could take the whole fam with her. Graham was genuinely intrigued by the whole thing, which helped to keep her at ease. He had held on a little more hope than Ryan, but had still managed to move on rather seamlessly to the idea of life without the Doctor. It had left her feeling quite alone in the world. Still, armed with her support system, she was more than ready to talk to Lee. With smiles on their faces, they all settled into Graham’s car and he began the trip across to the next city over. The car journey was filled with talk about times that felt like they were too long ago by comparison.

“Remember the whole orphan planet bit? And them oxygen tanks?”

“The Doc almost bunked herself off by yapping too much. Can you imagine? I dunno how she managed it, bless her.”

“She really does talk for England. I mean, you’ll see soon enough that Lee really keeps hold of that trait. It’s kind of impressive.”

It felt good to be talking about the Doctor again. Yaz had internalised everything for almost eight months, slowly becoming tired of people telling her to get over it all. Instead, she channeled all of her thoughts into a diary. Well, more like three of them. She wrote down her memories, her dreams, every patrol she did of every corner of Sheffield. Not a day passed her by where she didn’t think of the Doctor in some capacity. It was either weird or admirable, depending where you stood on the outside. It had been the only thing to keep her sane. It felt strange to think that maybe she could close the chapters of her life and see the Doctor again. Until then, Lee would do. More than do. Somehow, Yaz had found her brain wandering equally between thoughts of the Doctor and Lee for two solid weeks. If she wasn’t dreamin of the TARDIS, she was dreaming of the cafe, of nights spent just sitting at the bar and chatting about the wonders of the universe with a new set of eyes looking back at her. A strange feeling of nausea started to settle in the pit of Yaz’s stomach, fluttering around like a swarm of sugar frenzied butterflies. She swallowed them down with lumps of lead and stone, hands twisting in her lap awkwardly as she continued to laugh along to the memories Ryan and Graham shared in equal measure.

“‘Ere, remember when she came swanning in with those other two, like she owned the place? You know, after Barton set those creepy light things on us all. Thought she’d gone and replaced us with some time hopping newbies!”

“Oh! Yeah, she proper turned them on the Master. That whole recording thing? Man, she’s well clever. His face was priceless! I mean, not like I was worried we were gonners or anything like that. Totally knew she was coming.”

“As if! Pretty sure I was the only one who was sure she was coming. I mean...you know...in the end. I did get a bit wobbly. I’m just glad both of you’re always around to prop me up when I slip.”

“Always there for you, cockle. But...um...y’know...sorry ‘bout all the, uh, not listening. Well, not not listening, just...coming off the wagon quicker than you.”

“Same. Shoulda listened to you, mate. But we’re gonna set this right, yeah?”

“Yeah...we are…”

* * *

With the car safely put into the nearest multistroy, the three of them wandered the streets of Manchester - Yaz leading the way by a strange sense of muscle memory - before rounding a corner and coming face to face with the front of the Cafe once again. Peering at the time on her phone, Yaz prayed that Lee would be on the lunch shift again. If not, she had already been given the go ahead to place a stakeout of the joint. Graham had pulled out what looked to be a loan’s worth of money for the parking fares, just to keep them afloat. Sliding her phone back into her pocket, Yaz headed over towards the golden doors and held them open so Ryan and Graham could slip inside first. If Lee was on, she didn’t want to be yelled at again. If they remembered her this time. Yaz was hoping the last time wasn’t just a fluke. As she followed the others inside, she was at least relieved to see it was somewhat deserted, save for a crowd at the bar and a couple of tables filled with diners. Aside from the quiet levels of chatter and the clear bassline of Joan Jett running through the air, Yaz was almost downtrodden to not see a flash of silver and blue lurking around the bar. In fact, nobody was manning it at all. She let out a frustrated sigh, following Ryan and Graham to a table not too far away from the bar so they could keep an eye on things.

“What if they’re not on yet? I don’t wanna waste your time guys...”

“We won’t know until we order. Right son?”

“Yeah Yaz. You ain’t to know when Lee’s about until one of the waitresses comes and takes our order and you can ask. Anyway, give us a menu, I am dying for another burger. I’ve legit been dreaming of that last one for days.”

Rolling her eyes at Ryan’s food enthusiasm,soon followed by an agreeable noise from Graham, Yaz left the boys to their menus as she turned towards the bar again. The people surrounding it all had drinks in hand and were having a rather intense discussion about something she couldn’t quite hear. Then again, why would she when she was tapping in time to the beat of the music. She started to hum along to the chorus, tearing her eyes away and scanning the menu herself. Of course, she would have the same as before as it was all she could eat. At least she wouldn’t have to look at the shop anymore, the cafe shirt rolling over her figure and masquerading it under soft comforting cotton. By the time Ryan and Graham had sorted out their order, Ryan announced he would slip off over to the bar and take a look for whoever came out. Too afraid to go herself, Yaz gladly let him.

“This is quite a place, Yaz. I didn’t think there were rock cafes still going. Please tell me they have more of the classics going.”

At that, Yaz quirked an eyebrow expectantly, crossing her arms atop the table and smiling at Graham.

“Don’t tell me you used to be a rocker, Graham.”

“‘Course I was! Everyone was back in the 70s. Before disco and the like took over. You think I can’t get down with a bit of AC/DC or Van Halen? Oh, I went to so many gigs in my youth. You thought I was just an old duddy who harks back to Elvis and ABBA too much?”

That made Yaz’s smile grow wider, a soft sigh passing over her lips as she saw the glimmer of joy twinkle in Graham’s eyes again. It had been quite a while since she had seen it. He had taken to coping by planning dinners and going on pub quiz nights with his old friends. Ryan hardly saw him around for the first few months since the Doctor left, which was why he had spent so much time with his own friends. The two of them tucked their heads down and got on, while she found herself lost. Still, everything would be back as it was. Hopefully.

“Last rock gig I went to was probably The Who. I had long hair back then, like most men did really. No idea why that stopped being on trend. Anyway, those were some good times. Might have to come here more often you know, Yaz. I like it here.”

“You had long hair? Come off it. No way.”

“I did and I have a photo in me wallet to prove it. Hold up.”

While Yaz waited for Graham to show off his old rock days, Ryan squeezed his way through the gaggle of people dotted around the bar and settled himself just off to the left of the register. He could feel the floor humming from the speakers, and was slowly getting used to the odd music. It wasn’t any Stormzy, that was for sure. But it wasn’t half as bad as what Graham normally put on. He leant against the cool wood of the bar, eyes scanning the various bottles of spirits lining the back wall. He recognised a few by name, but the rest looked completely foreign to him. As he was half way through trying to work out if he was looking at a rum or a gin bottle, he turned his head to some commotion from the side door. A few voices were talking quietly, and after a few seconds he saw a man’s head pop around the corner. He didn’t look too old, Ryan guessed about thirty something, although his hair definitely defied gravity and made him look a little too young for his face. The man looked over, saw him as a new face, and disappeared again. There was another lot of commotion before two people shot out. One was a shorter woman with black hair tied back, and he watched her walk over to the table where he had left Yaz and Graham. The second, well, he recognised almost instantly. How could he forget the sight of wild hair and even wilder eyes.

“Whoops! Sorry ‘bout that. Could’ve sworn this place was empty not a minute ago. Dave’s gonna chew my ear off, I can feel it. Anyways, what can I-”

Lee paused mid sentence, eyes narrowing and brows knitting together as they looked Ryan over once, twice, three times. Aside from feeling like he was being cross examined in a police roundup, not that he knew what that was like at all, he watched Lee’s expression turn from confusion to one of almost instant recognition.

“OH! Wait, wait. Hold up a sec. You look familiar. Why do you look familiar? You’re definitely not a regular. No, I’d know you if you were. Hands down, cross my heart. But I do know you, right?”

There was another pause as Lee placed both hands on the bar counter and pushed themselves up to be taller, head twisting and turning as they scanned the cafe. It was then that they noticed that Claire was taking an order from-

“YAZ’S MATE! That’s who you are! Ah man, got there in the end. Sorry, didn’t get your name the first time round. Hiya, name’s Lee. Nice to meet you.”

They stuck out their hand in quite possibly the most awkward handshake Ryan had ever received. The Doctor didn’t do hand shakes. More like fist bumps in an equally awkward way. Still, the tone still sounded like her.

“Um. Hey. It’s Ryan. Told you we’d bring someone else this time around. That’s Graham, my granddad. Anyways, I didn't think anyone was here today. It was bare when I came over.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry. Again. I was telling Claire about this wack dream of mine. It’s just something I do to pass the time. Really thought nobody was here. Anyway, what can I get ya?”

Ryan turned his head back towards the table, noticing that the waitress had left again. Yaz was at least laughing at whatever story Graham was on, which meant he was in the clear to do a little snooping himself. He turned back to Lee, a smile on his face.

“Couple of those ciders you did me last time, if you’ve got them. Oh, and a diet coke too.”

“Gotcha. Coming up!”

Much like Yaz had described, Lee was like a firecracker on cocaine. There was such an air of the Doctor about the way their body moved around the bar. One hand grabbed a glass as another opened a bottle with ease, neither of the actions lining up until the last second. Realising he had very little time to act before Lee would be done tending, he spoke up again.

“You said weird dreams, yeah?”

That got their attention. Lee paused, half turned between Ryan and the mini fridge, a grin spreading over their face.

“Yeah! Why, you wanna know? Nobody really asks, you know, I just kinda...go off about them.”

“I’ve seen some pretty weird stuff, I think I can take it. Try me.”

The Doctor could never resist a challenge, and apparently neither could Lee. Drinks in hand, they left all three on the counter and came up close to Ryan, their voice slowly getting quieter.

“Right. So. It all starts off with these giant rhino headed people…”

Enough time had passed between the waitress coming over - Claire again - and the food arriving for Yaz to get a little put out. She looked over to the bar, saw Lee wildly moving around, and found herself intrigued. She really couldn’t make anything out, not even by reading her lips, they were moving too fast for her to keep track of. Still, at least the nachos still looked as amazing as ever. While she offered some over to Graham before he could start to carve into his burger, she heard a telltale ‘see ya’ catch her ears. Whatever had been happening had clearly finished finally, and Ryan made his way back with three drinks precariously balanced in his hands. Avoiding a trip and fall, he placed them around the food and dropped down into the empty seat, almost openly salivating at the sight of another double stacked burger. He stabbed at a handful of chips and almost got them to his mouth, before he noticed two pairs of eyes staring at him intently.

“What?”

There was a beat of silence, before Ryan put his form down and got the message.

“Oh! Right. Yeah, no, I’m pretty sure that’s the Doc.”

“Okay...and what makes you think that exactly, considering you took so long to warm up to the idea when I said it?”

“Lee’s been dreaming of the Judoon. You know, the whole invasion thingy we had going on. You remember, she got real quiet after all that. Looked like she’d seen a ghost. Didn’t say much apart from dreaming they took her to jail or something.”

Once he had finished, Ryan turned his attention back to his food, sighing happily as he ate. Yaz felt her mouth drop slightly at the very sudden turn of events, eyes catching sight of Lee running around the bar again as another couple of customers made their way into the cafe. Her next question was, though, what had happened between them being on Gallifrey, and now? She made a move to start on her nachos, just to keep up to speed with how quickly Ryan and Graham were taking their own food, but found herself stilling as she reached over for a napkin. Ryan had ruffled them when he had dropped them on the table, and there was a dark mark against one of the folds. Pulling it out from underneath his glass, she unfolded it and almost choked on the air itself.

“Blimey, you haven’t even taken a bite yet. You alright Yaz?”

With wide eyes, Yaz looked over to the bar, and for a moment lo cked eyes with Lee. They froze on the spot, but soon disappeared back off into the back works of the cafe, leaving Yaz to metaphorically fend for herself. Closing her eyes, she turned the napkin around in her hand and showed it to Ryan and Graham. There was an obvious snicker from Ryan, which earned him a quick kick to the shin, and a low ‘oh’ from Graham. When she opened her eyes, both of the men were looking at each other with an expression she couldn’t quite read properly.

“Pretty sure you’ve pulled there, mate.”

“I mean...that’s one way to make sure it’s the Doc...and we didn’t even have to do anything.”

Pulling the napkin back to her side of the table, Yaz looked down at the number. It was an ordinary human one, not like the garbled mess of digits she still had in her phone for the Doctor. There was a pang of regret in her chest, weighing her heart down. In all the time she had spent travelling with the Doctor, dealing with her feelings, she had never felt like the Doctor was in any kind of position to understand them. Or, if she even felt anything at all. Sure they shared intense stares, and Yaz praised the ground she walked on, but apart from that, there was little to stand out to console her. And yet, there was Lee, just casually sliding her number over like some romcom character in an old movie skit. How could they be the same person?

“I don’t know...it feels...wrong, somehow. This doesn’t feel very Doctor-y at all…”

Again, she looked over to the bar, but Lee was nowhere to be seen. Clearly, they were hiding from her. When she looked back, Ryan and Graham were wordlessly back to their meals, but Yaz didn’t feel hungry anymore. She tucked the napkin into her jacket pocket and took several sips of her coke instead. The cold and the bubbles helped her to feel something other than conflicting emotions, but it didn’t ease the racing of her thoughts or the staggered beats of her heart. There was really only one way she was going to get through it all. Pushing her chair out, Yaz made her way over to the bar. She stood between two of the stools, tapping her fingers against the bar counter as she tried to peer around the corner to the back of the cafe. Time ticked away slowly, but without sight of anyone. Not even a hint of movement. Tapping her fingers harder, she pressed up onto her toes and called out.

“Hello?”

A few seconds passed before a tall and slender man strode out across to the bar. Judging by the blue suit, he had to be the manager of the place. Then again, Yaz wasn’t entirely sure he looked old enough, not with how his hair stood on end. He looked at Yaz with a smile, before almost apologetically grimacing and turning to the back.

“Will you stop eating those blasted custard creams when we have customers out here? I’m gonna hide all the packets I pay you with for these early starts, I swear. Come serve this lady, will you? Sorry, sh- they won’t be a sec. Lee! Service!”

Yaz caught a mouthed apology before there was the distinct sound of someone falling over somewhere.

“I’m coming, David! At least lemme get these crumbs o- Oi! Ow, ow, okay I’m going, I’m going.”

Almost tripping down the step to the bar, Yaz watched as Lee stumbled their way back out into the open. A couple of crumbs were scattered around the top of their apron, as well as a few still clinging to blushing cheeks. Lee ran their fingers through their hair, hands working quickly to tie it back into a loose ponytail, before settling down and finally acknowledging Yaz.

“Um...hi. Did you...did you need a refill?”

Yaz quickly looked back to the table - Ryan and Graham were talking to themselves, at least - before turning back to Lee and shaking her head slowly. She pulled out the napkin and placed it on the counter of the bar, turning it around so Lee could see their own number. Their mouth dropped slightly, the blush on their cheeks darkening further and exaggerating the spatterings of freckles over their nose.

“So…?”

Lee gulped.

“O-oh. Well. Y’see...the thing is...I guess it’s just...I was wondering if…”

Nerves. All Yaz had to do was wait. If she remembered the Doctor, which she knew she did, after any kind of cornering came a long ramble. She raised an eyebrow, the faintest smile tugging at the corners of her lips as Lee started to move around restlessly.

“My shift finishes at four, and I don’t really live too far from here, so it wouldn’t take me that long to get back to my flat and change out of this uniform, and it also wouldn’t take me too long to get back here, and then there’s just some really nice places around here and I haven’t really done much outside of work for a while with company and I was kinda just wondering if-”

That was all Yaz needed to hear. Smile widening further, she held up a hand to stop Lee from talking and moving at the same time, lest it gave her whiplash. When they stopped, Yaz put the napkin back in her pocket and swapped it out for her phone. She unlocked it and left it on the counter, turning it towards Lee.

“So, you wanna go out with me then, yeah?”

“I don’t think my friends will mind going home without me. I can just get the train or a taxi.”

“Brilliant! Ace! Oh man, meet me here at six. You’re gonna be in for a real show, lemme tell you.”

Lee quickly typed their number into Yaz’s phone, before turning it back towards her with the biggest grin Yaz had ever seen. As she went to lock her phone again, something caught her eye. Not the several sparkle emojis around the name, it was the name itself.

“Selene?”

“Yeah, my name’s not actually Lee. I mean it could be, if I could be bothered to fill out the paperwork. It’s just what I get everyone to call me as it’s less flowery and feminine and ugh. Y’know?”

Putting her phone back in her pocket, Yaz shrugged off the remark, turning to head back to the table where Ryan and Graham were now looking at her expectantly. They were about to have a field day, knowing she would be hanging around Manchester without them. Still, maybe she could finally learn something about Lee. Something that would disprove - or, even prove - her fears surrounding the Doctor.

“Dunno. I think Selene’s a beautiful name. See you later.”

Yaz half expected to hear some spluttering or choking as she left, but instead she heard a hissed ‘yes’, followed by some excited yelling into the back of the cafe. Shaking her head in amusement, she sat back down at the table and nonchalantly started to pick at her previously discarded nachos. She managed to get a few mouthfuls in, before Graham expectantly cleared his throat.

“So...what’s the plan then, Yaz? What’re we gonna do now?”

“Yeah, what’cha wanna do about all this? I mean, dreaming of rhino people really can’t be a coincidence surely, not with how much detail Lee could describe them with.”

Offering the rest of her food back to Ryan and Graham, she leant back in the chair with her arms across her chest.

“Well, I can’t exactly go and talk to Lee around here. Service workers have too much going on. Also, there’s way too many people here to try and talk about...you know, space and stuff, without sounding like I’m a crackpot.”

Ryan and Graham both nodded. Yaz was right, if any of them tried to talk about anything more serious, it wouldn’t go down well. They had enough trying to do it in their own lives, nevermind with someone who may or may not think they’re crazy.

“So...I’m gonna meet them after their shift.”

“You mean like a d- OW!”

Giving Ryan another quick kick to the shin before he could finish his statement, Yaz came back in closer to the table and hissed at him.

“No, it’s not like that. Okay, maybe Lee might think it is, but how else am I gonna be able to talk to them?”

“She’s right, Ryan. ‘sides, I’m pretty sure Yaz knows what she’s doing. She is a copper after all. Finished her training with flying colours and all that, she’ll get down to the nitty gritty of our Doc problems.”

So, the plan was settled. Once the bill had been paid off, Ryan and Graham would head back to Sheffield. Yaz would check in every once in a while if she made any progress. Otherwise...she had to figure out how to waste two hours around Manchester by herself.

* * *

If she had known she was going to be hanging out around in the evening, Yaz would have worn something better. At least her polka dot blouse and leather jacket were always comfortable clothing choices. Although, depending on where she was even going with Lee, the jacket was a hotly contested subject. Either she was going to freeze, or boil. Why was she even thinking about that? Had the nerves really gotten to her that badly? Sure, the Doctor made her feel things, but somehow Lee was ramping them up to eleven and then some. It was okay though...right? Kicking herself for overthinking everything - again - Yaz made her way back to the cafe. She had spent most of her time waiting in a Costa down the road, too scared to do anything else besides check her phone for the time at almost perfectly spaced five minute intervals. Part of her expected to see Lee standing outside somewhere, but in the mix of people enjoying the coming evening sun, she didn’t see them. She slowly slid into the cafe, and looked around. It wasn’t hard to miss them.

Lee was standing almost directly opposite her, leaning back against the bar. However, they looked almost completely different without their uniform on. Their hair sat just below their shoulders, tousled and styled into a strangely beautiful mess. Black shirt and trousers had been replaced by a pair of grey acid-washed jeans, ripped in various places, with shimmering oil slick boots. Although, really, that wasn’t where Yaz was looking. No, her attention was higher up. Aside from the black biker jacket tied around their waist, Lee wore nothing but a black crop top and a sheer shirt over the top. Said shirt was patterned with glitter and tiny sequins in the patterns of scars, sleeves barely coming off the shoulder, showing off their tattoos in full. Yaz had only ever seen small parts poking out from their uniform, and now they were on full display. One arm was completely inked over with a black and blue space scene, broken up with colourful nebulas and planets. Their sleeve was split up with hexagonal breaks, and Yaz swore it looked like the inside of the TARDIS. While Lee turned around to talk to someone at the bar, it was then that Yaz noticed the pattern of hexagons travelled across their shoulder and part way down their back. Lee’s other arm had scattered stars and planets down it, in a rather nonsensical fashion.

Yaz had no idea how long she had been standing near the doors for, but for however long it had been, she was only roused when she heard Lee calling out to her and waving frantically. Shaking her head, Yaz made her way over, praying that she hadn’t been caught not-so-secretly checking Lee out.

“Like what you see?”

_ ‘Shit.’ _

“Kinda guessed you’d be into this, you’ve got more stuff in your ears than I have. I respect that. Once you get one, you can’t stop, am I right? Anyway, check out this little one here.”

Turning their head to the side and pulling back their hair, Lee craned their neck in order to show off another tattoo. One that almost broke Yaz on the spot. Behind their ear, was a little yellow flower. The same one that the Doctor wore - and had given to her - back in Pakistan. The stem curled around their ear, while the flower sat closer to their hairline.

“In one of my dreams, I was doing a wedding in India. Mad, right? I just kinda...woke up feeling like I really needed this one, you know? I mean, all of them have come from my dreams, really. Been collecting them for years now.”

_ ‘Years?’ _

“Anyway, come on, I know just the place!”

With that, Lee took hold of Yaz’s hand and practically began to excitedly drag her out of the cafe without so much as a word said back. Yaz let Lee take control of things, it felt only fitting really, that and she was too busy trying not to think about how normal it all felt. As if nothing had changed at all. She tried to take note of the buildings she passed, in case she had to leave on her own, but it was hopeless. Everything was going by so fast. Lee could speed walk and then some. They never let go of her hand though, not at all, and sometimes Yaz swore she could feel a thumb rub across the inside of her wrist. They walked for what seemed like forever. Lee would stop sometimes and tell Yaz a little story about a certain building, either about a gig they had been to, or a wild night in a bar. Really, it was more like hanging out with her sister than the Doctor. Eventually though, they stopped outside an alleyway that led up to a hidden pub.

“This is my fav place. No Hard Rock mind you, but they’re cheap and have some banging tunes going. It’s also one of the most gay friendly places around. Pretty much know everyone in there now.”

Yaz blindly followed Lee inside, and found herself smiling as they greeted various people on the way to the bar. They pulled out a stool for her to sit on, finishing with one of the most awkward bows Yaz had ever seen. It was cute. Once Lee had hopped onto a stool as well, she called the bartender over with a wave and their name.

“Hey, Jace! What’s up man? Been a hot minute since I last dropped by when you’ve been on.”

A man with even more piercings and tattoos than Lee strode over, leaning across the bar and almost crushing them in a hug.

“Oi oi, it’s our little starchild! You’ve got some more work done since you were here last. Who’s the arm candy?”

Unsure whether or not she should be offended or amused by the statement, Yaz turned to look at the floor and felt her face heat up another ten degrees.

“I’ll have none of that, asshole. Be nice to her! Fuck me. I mean you’re right, but you shouldn’t say it. Anyways, this is Yaz. Go do us two of your specials, yeah. Double mine up though, I’m feeling the need for a buzz.”

With Jace gone, Lee turned back to Yaz, reaching out and grabbing hold of her shoulder. When Yaz looked back up, their face was set into an apologetic frown.

“Sorry ‘bout him. He’s always like that when I bring someone in here. Thinks I need to pin a girl down or something. I mean, he ain’t wrong, but you know. If I told him that, he’d be setting me up with every one of his patrons and that’s a service no-no. Anyway, you’ll love this cocktail. Kicks you in the back of the throat but it makes you feel like you’re baking under a good sun.”

“Um...Lee...I don’t drink.”

She felt horrible for shooting Lee down - although Yaz had no idea why she expected them to remember, just because the Doctor did - especially as the frown slowly began to turn into horror. In a flash, Lee had turned around, cursing like an injured sailor under their breath before clambering off the stool and chasing Jace across the bar. Their arms gesticulated wildly as they backtracked from the original plan, and although Yaz couldn’t hear what was going on thanks to another loud environment, she could see the slump in Lee’s shoulders and the drag of their feet as they came back.

“Fuck, man, I’m so sorry Yaz. I got bloody taught this in my tending classes...No tryna sell drinks to people without them saying so first. In case of this kinda shit.”

“No, it’s okay, I-”

“Wait! New plan! Why didn’t I just think of this sooner? Ugh, come on brain. Piece of shit. Um...nevermind. So, fancy a quick stop at the Tescos?”

“Sure?”

Once again, Yaz found her hand taken and her whole self dragged unceremoniously out of the pub. It was becoming a thing. At least the walk to the shop was barely anything at all, and she welcomed the hit of cold air as she stepped inside. Lee escorted her towards the chillers, filling their arms up with two bottles of juice before wandering over to the biscuit isle and grabbing a twin pack of custard creams. Yaz wanted to question the choice of biscuits instantly, but steeled herself. She would ask, just not yet. With the items paid for and bagged up, they walked through the city again until Lee twisted through the winding streets and gestured towards a small park.

“I come here a lot at night to stare at the stars. Can’t see much, but it's still a great time. Probably won’t see them for ages yet but the park’s pretty quiet really. Save for the odd dog walker or the joggers. Come on, there’s a little secret place that nobody finds me in.”

For a while, Yaz was confused, because they stuck to the pathways in the park. Although, once they passed the gazebo, Lee seemed to veer off right into the trees themselves. It was hard to manoeuvre through all the branches, Yaz found several of them stabbing her along the way, but soon enough they thinned out and opened into a small clearing. It backed out onto the dividing wall, but it was tall enough and protected by enough trees that it was unlikely anyone would see or hear them. Up above, there was enough gap between the leaves to see the sun filtering through, and undoubtedly stars later on. Dropping the bag from their arm, Lee unfolded the jacket from around their hips and dropped it on the leaves and grass, flattening it out and patting it. They dropped down beside it, leaving it for Yaz alone. While Yaz sat, they pulled out the drinks and biscuits, opening the packet and promptly placing several in their lap before offering the packet back.

“Custard creams your favourite then?”

Yaz inquired softly, taking one biscuit from the packet as Lee happily put a whole one into their mouth and nodded.

“Mhmm. M’fabourite bithkit. Luv’m.”

_ ‘Mark one for the Doctor.’ _

After successfully eating three in a row without saying much else about the whole biscuit thing, Lee gave a contented sigh before spreading themselves out on the ground and looking up at the sky. Being so close, Yaz noticed another small detail about them. Constellations ran underneath their collarbones, looking like another series of freckles on their skin. Her eyes wandered over the strange woman slowly, before one particular tattoo caught her attention. Shuffling awkwardly on the spot, she decided to broach it by leaning over Lee and pointing to her arm.

“What’s that one?”

Holding their arm up and twisting it around to give Yaz a better look, she could finally make out what it was. Sitting above a very golden looking planet...was…

“Y’like it? Everyone thinks it’s a snowglobe. I mean, I guess it does look like one if you squint. I see it a lot, in my daydreams. Like, there’s always this glowing city inside my head. Sometimes it's okay...and sometimes...sometimes it’s not.”

Lee’s voice grew colder and quieter as they spoke, and Yaz felt her heart skip several beats. It was Gallifrey. It had to be. There was only one place she had ever seen on her travels with the Doctor that looked remotely like that. It was where she was from. Her home. The tattoo was complete and all together, but Yaz had seen it burn and had thought the worst of it all...thought that the Doctor had died there.

“You dream a lot, don’t you Lee?”

As Lee dropped their arm again, they shuffled back to sitting, but kept their head turned up to the sky. Several moments of silence fell between them, and Yaz thought she had said something wrong, but as she went to question, she heard a faint laugh.

“Every night. And every day. I can’t escape it. It’s never the same though. I always see something different. But it’s like...like I know it all. But I know I can’t, it’s literally just nonsense inside my head. Most of the time I just sit and watch things like they’re a movie. Sometimes I feel like it’s me. Except...I don’t know. The person in my dreams...she doesn’t look like me. Not really. So why does it feel like it’s me? Like I know all these things that don’t make sense. Sometimes I’ll just...stop. Something will happen and I get these...headaches. Black out. Everything gets too much and it feels like I’m dying.”

When Lee looked back, there were tears starting to form in their eyes.

“Sorry...I got all heavy then. Aha. I didn’t mean to, Yaz.”

There was an inexplicable pull, and Yaz had to answer it. She shuffled closer to Lee, placing a hand on their shoulder like they had done to her at the bar. Fingers squeezed through the silky fabric of their shirt and rubbed at their shoulder, and a smile slowly came back onto Lee’s face.

“You don’t have to say sorry.”

“No, I do. Because...you feel really easy to talk to. And I don’t wanna...I don’t wanna scare you off. I like you, Yaz. It’s probably way too early to even say anything like this and you can punch me but like...I don’t know...you feel...familiar somehow.”

_ ‘That’s because I am familiar…’ _

Yaz went to move away, but instead, she found herself trapped by arms dragging her in and bringing her close to Lee. She couldn’t help but tense up at the contact. Lee felt like the Doctor, they were soft and warm and fit just right. But she didn’t smell like oil from the TARDIS, or anything vaguely alien. No, just cologne and alcohol fumes. Except, somehow, Yaz liked it just as much. So much that she finally settled into the hug and held tight to Lee as if they were going to fade away just like the Doctor had done. When they broke apart, Yaz settled in to talk about anything other than the Doctor. She wanted to know more about Lee themselves.

Two bottles of juice and half a packet of custard creams later, the sky started to fade from a pastel blue to burning shades of orange and pink. Both of them lay in the grass, looking up at the louds in the sky, laughing and joking without a care in the world. Yaz hadn’t felt so light and free for such a long time now, her cheeks were actually hurting from how much she had been smiling. She barely noticed Lee scrambling to sit up, but she did notice her pull something out of her jeans pocket. Half expecting it to be her own mobile, Yaz bolted upright at the flash of silver and a long chain.

_ Click _

“Ah shit, is it really that time? Man, sure does fly when you’re having fun. Listen, I’m gonna have to dash off because of my shift in the morning, but I can take you to the-”

Lee turned around and saw that Yaz had paled considerably, mouth ajar as she all but stared right through them. They closed the pocket watch and quickly put it back in their jeans pocket, waving a hand in front of Yaz’s face and watching her blink slowly.

“Um..you okay there?”

“Where did you get that?”

Hazel-green eyes turned between Yaz and their jeans.

“Get what?”

“T-that...the watch...where did...you get that watch?”

“Dunno. I’ve always had it. I take it with me everywhere. It's so much easier to deal with than a phone. Plus, it looks pretty awesome. All the circles and shit on the front is so my aesthetic. Why? You seen one like it before? I tried to google it once to see who made it but nothing ever came up. Just assumed it was a one off piece.”

_ ‘Is that why she doesn’t remember me?’ _

Yaz shook her head quickly, trying to back peddle from her surprise despite her heart pounding in her ears and threatening to burst out of her chest.

“N-no! Nope. Not at all. Just think it looks...really nice. Suits you. What were you saying?”

“Oh! I gotta go. Work and all. Do you...do you wanna do this again? ‘Cause I think I’d like that.”

So, another date was planned. This time, Lee was adamant that they were going to take yaz out somewhere for dinner and a movie. Something classic. Honestly, how could Yaz say no really? She was walked all the way to the train station, given another bone crushing hug goodbye and set off on her way. Whilst sat on the train, Yaz pulled out her phone and started to rapidly type out a message.

_ Guys...I think something happened to the Doctor between us leaving Gallifrey and now. She’s got the watch. I know it’s THAT watch. I remember it. This is so much worse than I thought...and I don’t know what to do. _


	4. Promise Not To Fade Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Control. Everything was getting out of control. they had been able to cope with the headaches, the blackouts. But now, now they were hearing voices. Having conversations with them. Seeing people from their dreams. Lee had tried to run away from it all, but running was making everything worse. Could they really just...go back to Yaz, after everything they had done to her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming at you with warnings for: **dissociation, hallucinations, hearing voices, potential psychosis**  
>  I don't think it's a spoiler to say it is in a similar context to the scene inside the Matrix in TTC with 13 and Ruth but still.  
> This is an angsty/whumpy chapter that lays the groundwork for the ending so.
> 
> Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I wanted it done in between my pride month work but...I haven't been doing great.  
> You'll probably get vibes off this chapter aha, sometimes you just have to project.  
> Anyway, things are alright now, and I hope it's not too long before I finish this.  
> I'll also have something to say on the last update, so I hope that hypes you up a little bit~

_ Why are you even bothering? She doesn’t even like you like that, can’t you tell? All of her words go from curious to hollow in a matter of seconds. It’s like...it’s like she doesn’t even see who you are. Did she ever even see you to begin with? Whenever she says your name, it’s like she wants to say something else instead. You’ve seen how she catches herself when she talks, just brushes it off like it doesn’t matter at all. Lee, you’re an absolute idiot. How could a girl as wonderful as her ever like you back? Who even are you, really? You don’t even know yourself. The blackouts, the flashes, they’re getting more frequent and more painful. Harder to ignore. They all seem to revolve around Yaz too. Who is she? Why do you feel like you know her when you clearly don’t? Why are you trying so hard to win her over? You need to give up already. How long have you sat in this room for now? _

“Two months, seventeen days, ten hours, thirty eight minutes.”

_ Don’t get smart with me. I know that. _

“Then why are you asking me so many questions?”

_ Because how else are we going to figure all of this out? We’re a mess! _

“There is no we. It’s just...it’s just me. It always has been, and it always will be. Besides, how can I even begin to trust you? All you do is hurt me. Like she does.”

_ Because I’m the only one who’s always been there for you. From start to finish. _

“I don’t even know where I started from...who can’t remember their own family? Who can’t remember any of their life until the last few years? Not even the hospitals can tell me anything, and you think they’d remember such a severe amnesiac waltzing in and out of their building.”

_ Look, none of that matters right now. The only thing that matters right now is ourselves. We need to get back to work. Back to something...normal. We can’t stay in bed all day, living off Cheerios and custard creams and coffee. _

“Who says I can’t?”

_ Look in the mirror and tell me you think only having sugar for two and a half months solid is a good idea. Go on, Selene, I dare you. Go look in that mirror and tell me exactly what you see. _

“...fine. But only because I want you to shut up.”

Slowly, Lee rolled off the bed and dropped their feet onto the floor. Kicking aside various shirts and jeans, they stumbled over to the mirror that adorned their wardrobe. For a moment, nothing registered, until eventually they let out a hushed gasp. Streaks of days old eyeliner and mascara marred their blotchy cheeks, their lips swollen and scabbed from biting down on them for so long. Their hair was an actual bird's nest - a strange mix of brown, grey, blonde and green from where all the dyes had grown out and faded away. The old Stones t-shirt they wore had random spots of stains in various places. Though, the one thing they hated the most was how deep the bags under their eyes were. They had grown almost gaunt in the past few months, like a walking zombie, so drained and weary from barely sleeping longer than an hour every forty or so.

“Oh my...god...fucking...shit.”

_ Yes, you are. You’re a mess, like I said. Congratulations! _

It had been a while since Lee had felt an emotion, and they didn’t like it. Disgust and anger were starting to bubble up under the surface, and they needed a distraction. Fast. Turning around sharply, they wandered back to the bed and sat down with a defeated sigh. How had they let themselves get into such a mess? Just getting up and going to the mirror had taken all of their energy, shaking hands dragging their phone from the bedside counter and into their lap. They had kept their phone switched off for the last two months, seven days and twenty one hours. It had been too much for Lee to handle. Why had she turned it off again?

_ Because you were meant to meet her, and you bailed. You ditched her, because you got scared. You got scared and ran away, like you always do. That’s all you’re good for. _

Oh. Right.

They had forgotten about that.

All of this had started because they were just a little bit too afraid of how much theyliked Yasmin Khan. The girl who just happened to walk into their service area one day, and harpooned herself into their heart. The girl who looked at them like they were the centre of the universe. Even though, right now, they felt far from it. Oh, how Lee hated what they had done. They had been on several dates at that point, all across Manchester. They had been to the park, through the coffee shops, even went to a music gig at one of the local bars before sitting outside the Cafe under the stars and just being with each other. Lee had felt the happiest they ever had done in their entire life. They adored Yaz. Except, it had all come crashing down. The slip ups. The strange questions. The weird glances. Sometimes, Lee felt like an alien to Yaz. Just some messed up puzzle to try and solve. So, they left. Like they did with everything that ever brought them joy. They left it alone in the most brutal way possible. By the tenth missed call…

_ You love her...don’t you Selene? _

Phone sat on their bare thighs, hands balling into fists against their skin as eyes screwed shut. Try as they might, nothing worked, and tears started to drop down.

“I do…”

The floodgates opened then. Hands shot up into their hair, tugging hard against the strands as nails dug into their scalp. Teeth ground together as they tried to hold back the scream that wanted to tear them apart, lungs burning as the pressure in their jaw twisted around so their teeth were chattering together loudly. Body shook wildly as the tears kept falling, a mix of clear and blackened from ancient makeup, soaking into their boxer shorts and bouncing off the screen of their phone. How could they have been so stupid? Lee had gone and lost the only thing that had mattered to them in so long now. They had no energy left to try and fight the way that their body shut down. Everything rapidly began to grow fuzzy inside their head from the lack of oxygen, strange images flashing against their eyelids. Space. A golden light. Strange crystals. Muted voices. Blue light. A touch to their shoulder. Someone blonde - the same woman - sat on strange steps, screaming into the blue light.

“I love her...I love you, Yaz. I love you so much it feels like it's tearing me apart inside and I don’t know what to do. I keep seeing you, in my head - day and night - but I don’t know what it means. Because it can’t be you. It can’t be you and her together but it is. I keep seeing it, all the time. I wish she was me...I wish you would look at me the same way you look at her. Gods, you love her so much...do you even love me? Would you ever love me like that, Yaz?”

_ She does love you. _

“You don’t know that?! You don’t know anything at all! I should have thrown myself into an institute the moment you arrived!”

_ You know it won’t do any good. _

“I know!”

The force at which their hands came out from their hair and back down onto their thighs caused their phone to rocket from their lap and crash down on the floor. They screamed as loudly as they could, no longer caring if their neighbours heard the commotion. What would they do? Send them away somewhere? Call the police, or an ambulance? Whatever, it didn’t matter. Sniffling loudly and wrapping their arms around themselves, Lee looked out towards the curtains that covered their window, beams of sunlight peeking out and sending glittering rays over their trash-covered carpet.

“I know...but what do I do? What am I supposed to do? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can't see her...I can’t just tell her I’m sorry for vanishing. What if she doesn’t accept it? I mean, I don’t see why she would. I’d go tell myself to fuck off.”

_ You do that anyway. _

“Okay...that’s true but w-what...what if…”

_ What if she doesn’t leave? What then? Are you going to miss that chance, just because you’re scared? That doesn’t sound like you, Lee. You’re better than this. _

Parting their legs slightly, Lee looked down at the floor and their screen-down phone. Bending down, fuzzy feeling hands gently picked up the phone. A large crack cut down one side of it, fractures splintering all around the main impact point. Praying that the thing would still work despite the damage, they pressed the small indented button at the side and held a finger against it, muttering unintelligible words. Eventually, there was a flash of white. A few seconds later, they heaved a sigh of relief as everything loaded up. They even smiled a little at the lock screen. It was a photo Lee had taken of Yaz while they were at the rock gig. Just a little indie band, like most of the things they went to. But Yaz had dressed for the occasion, back-combed her curls, threw on some thick eyeliner and eyeshadow, and even wore her Hard Rock shirt tied up with a hairband around her middle. While she was jumping about, Lee had taken the candid shot, and hadn’t the heart to delete it. It was perfect. They unlocked with a swipe of their thumb, followed by a passcode. Again, they smiled at the background.

Yaz had asked for a selfie outside the Cafe. It had been their third date by that point, and Lee was in so deep it was unreal. They didn’t even recognise themselves for a moment. Fresh dyed hair tied right back, a series of new and matching silver piercings, and quite possibly the widest smile they had ever given anyone. They were a smiler, it was a high honour. Lee could see the wrinkles around their eyes, between their brows, around their mouth. Little dimples showing in their cheeks. Gods, they were so happy. The mood quickly shifted as their phone caught up with everything that had gone on in the last two months. Notifications kept making it vibrate in their lap, lasting so long that Lee swore it would never end. Guiltily, they looked on at the total.

Twenty nine missed calls.

Seventy one text messages.

Over one hundred instant messages.

_ People care about you, Lee. They miss you. See? Just take a look. You won’t get hurt. _

“You promise?”

For the first time in days - weeks, even - there was silence. It felt strange. Guilt and fear and anger and confusion all swirled around inside their mind, and yet Lee still clicked on the voicemail icon. They needed to hear whoever was on the other end, the first human voice in months. The first message was David.

“Lee? Listen, I know you said not to call after you quit but...I just want to make sure you’re okay. Ring me back, yeah?”

And again.

“Hi Lee. Just me again. Listen, are you sure you’re okay? You don’t have to call me back just...ugh...just let me know you’re still there? Bye.”

But then, the voice changed.

“Lee?”

Yaz?

“I, um...would you...call me back?”

A second time.

“Selene? Sorry. Lee. It’s been two weeks now...have you got my messages at all? Please, call me back, if you can.”

A third.

“Lee? You’re scaring me. You haven't text me back in a month. You haven’t called me. I went to the Cafe and they said...they told me you quit. Please just, just tell me where you are. Tell me you’re alright. Please.”

“Yaz, I’m so-”

“L-Lee...Lee please. Please p-pick u-up the phone. I’m scared. Y-you’re still out there...right? You h-haven’t...you haven’t just...Please, please tell me you haven’t left. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever it is that I’ve said or done that made you leave. I miss you Lee. I miss you s-s-so much. Call me. Text me. Something. Anything. Please...please...be there, somewhere.”

The message cut off at the sound of Yaz crying, and that was all Lee needed to hear. They closed down the voicemail, started to go through and delete them all as a new slew of tears started to form in their eyes. Glazed eyes scanned through all the notifications of messages, marked them all as read, not daring to open them past the title cards. Call me. Are you there? Lee, are you alright? Please, call me. On and on they came, from everyone they worked with. At the top, with the most outstanding hits, was Yaz. Just begging them to come around. It broke their heart.

_ I told you, she loves you. Show her you love her too, Lee. It’s going to be okay. _

* * *

“Thanks for letting me back in, David…”

A strong hand came against their shoulder, making them flinch for a moment, before they were pulled into a gentle hug.

“I’m just glad you’re okay. You gave us all a scare, Lee. You were really just up there, on your own, all this time?”

Coming out of the hug, Lee nodded solemnly. It had been two weeks since what they called their ‘elongated breakdown’, and it had been a miracle that David had even allowed them back to work at all. Though, they were on severely reduced shifts, just once a week for the time being. It was manageable. Lee was just glad to have some normality back.

“The regulars will be glad to see you back. Not that all of us aren’t. It’s just that there were quite a few comments about what had happened. I had to tell them you’d gone and found a job somewhere else. Hope you don’t mind that.”

“No. I don’t. Thank you, really. It’ll be nice to see everyone again, that’s for sure. Cheer me up a bit, you know?”

With another pat to their shoulder, Lee was left to their own devices. A part of them was scared to step over the threshold and back into the space they loved. A part of them was still scared, still wanted to run and hide. But another part, silent now and blended into them, was urging them forward. Gently. Just guiding them to the place they needed to be. It took a few more moments before they could muster up some kind of smile, and one deep breath later, Lee made their way to the floor. Thankfully, it was one of the quieter weekdays - not many people wanted to be out on a Monday - and so nobody was immediately at the bar requiring their attention. Which meant that Lee could scope the scene, clear the countertop, and slowly become accustomed to the sight and sounds once more. It had been so long since they had felt the low thrum of classic rock buzzing through their body, it was nice. It felt like home. Although, there was something else that felt like home - someone, rather - but they did their best to ignore the errant thoughts as they restocked the various bottles of alcohol that lined the back wall.

By the time they had finished rearranging everything into an order they were more comfortable with, Lee heard the familiar tap of feet approaching. When they turned around, they almost choked a sob. Sat on his usual barstool, with a soft smile on his face, was her favourite of all the regulars; Chris. There was something different about him though, not like Lee had the time to find out, because they were skipping around the bar and throwing their arms around his shoulders. He chuckled slightly, patting their back a few times before they finally let go, a beaming smile lighting up their face.

“Chris! Oh my stars, I didn’t think...I’m so sorry that I-”

He cut them off with a shake of his head.

“It’s alright. Really. I won’t lie, I didn’t exactly believe your manager when he said that you’d gone and found somewhere else. You’re not the kind to go off without a goodbye. But I didn’t say anything, just figured something was wrong. Are you...are you okay? I know I probably shouldn’t ask, because of professionalism and all that, but…”

“N-no! It’s okay. Honestly, Chris, I’m so glad to see you. I’ve not had the best time...and it’s nice to see a friendly face again. D’ya want your usual?”

Again, he shook his head.

“Can’t. Not anymore. Cut the alcohol off. Had our baby girl a couple of weeks back. So, it’s just the soft stuff for me I’m afraid.”

Had they really been gone that long? Of course, Lee knew that Chris had a child on the way. They had been saving up their best stories of space adventures so that he could use them as bedtime stories for her. But, they hadn't expected to miss it. Then again, they had no idea what they had been expecting at all. So much time in silence and solitude, shouting at themselves, begging and pleading for a shred of normality. Of sanity. It came, eventually, like all things did. But at what cost? What good had running away done them? They had missed out on the birth of their friend's daughter. Missed the naming, the joy, the excitement. Missed out on seeing his face, hearing the news. Lee suspected they would have been the next in line after family. Their face fell, slowly, the shroud of dark thoughts slowly starting to make their way back into their head. The world had done just fine without them. Carried on as normal. Chris, though, noticed the change in their demeanour and promptly changed the subject away from himself by twisting around on the bar stool and smiling softly again.

"Have you...have you spoken to Yasmin?"

The question came out so softly, so full of care and concern, that Lee then started to wonder why they had gotten themselves worked up in the first place. They slowly rounded the bar, heading underneath to the fridge and pulling out a glass bottle of apple juice. The top came off with a crack, and they slid the drink across the counter, shrugging.

"Only really dragged myself out the house a couple of days ago now. What with me being such a shit...I dunno...probably best if I don't. I mean...what can I even expect her to say to me, Chris? You don't know how much of a bastard I've been to her. God's, I've messed up so bad, man. I just...I dunno what to do now."

"Do you miss her?"

Hazel-green eyes lifted up, brows knitting together as Lee's mouth opened and closed slowly. Words couldn't come to them - wouldn't in fact - but as they slowly looked to the side and wrapped their arms around themselves, there was nothing else that really needed to be said. At least, not to Chris himself. So, when Lee heard him cough, following his gaze towards the door, they practically felt the whole universe collapse in on itself. In the doorway of the café, looking as if she had seen a ghost, was Yaz.

"Maybe you should tell her yourself."

It was impossible. She couldn’t be at the cafe. And yet, she was. Either it was some cruel joke or maybe, just maybe, the best thing that had ever happened to them. Lee was frozen behind the counter, unable to move or say anything at all. They simply stood and stared as Yaz carefully made her way into the cafe, as if walking on broken glass, an unreadable expression on her face. Lee couldn’t tell if it was fear, relief, confusion...maybe it was all of the above, they had no right to begin guessing. Not really. It felt like an eternity before Yaz was at the bar, carefully rubbing one arm as her eyes darted between Lee and the floor.

“You...you’re back.”

Her voice was quiet, a little broken and husky, like she had a cold. Or, maybe she had been crying. It was entirely possible. When she finally lifted her eyes, wide and open and the most beautiful brown they had always remembered, Lee found themselves lightening up. Slowly, a smile tugged at their lips, shoulders slumping as they gave into a hard wave of far too many emotions hit them all at once.

“Yeah...Yeah, I am. But how...how did you...”

Lee needed to know. There was no way that they would accept a sheer coincidence. Nobody knew they were coming back to work. Except for David. A hundred and one thoughts and theories started to twist around inside their head as they shoved their hands into the pocket of their apron and tugged at the loose threads inside. Anything to stop them from launching themselves across the bar and tackling Yaz to the ground. They really, really wanted to do that. Hazel-green eyes turned towards Chris as they caught him standing in the corner of their eyes. He shrugged his shoulders and rubbed at the nape of his neck, almost apologetically. Something really had happened since they had been away. Yaz shuffled closer to the bar, resting her arms against the wood as she too turned to Chris, face softening into a more weary expression.

“Joint effort. But, I’ll let you hear it from Yasmin. I need to go check on Josie. And Danni. You won’t go running off again, will you?”

“Not if I can help it. I’ll see you later, Chris. Look after yourself. Tell the wife and your little girl I said hi.”

With a smile and a wave, Chris walked away from the bar, but not before Lee watched as he gently patted Yaz’s shoulder before he left. Which, they surmised, meant that he was somehow involved in whatever was going on around them. He didn’t particularly get into anyone’s personal space, and Lee knew for a fact they were the only one outside his family that he hugged. While the cafe fell back into a strange calm, save for the beat buzzing under their feet, Lee turned their attention back to Yaz. She really did look tired, and it was only then that they noticed she was in uniform. Something that they had never seen before, only heard tell of in the moments where Yaz had divulged her current career and the hazards she faced daily. Had she been on shift? Had she cancelled work to come and find them? Again, they felt overwhelmed by questions, and Yaz picked up on it quickly. She reached over the bar, fingers gently brushing over Lee’s bare arms, making them tense up and look down to the floor.

“Did you...you didn’t skip work for me, did you?”

Their voice was so quiet, so small and fragile, that Lee couldn’t tell if they had spoken aloud or if they had just thought it. So many parts of them were screaming to run away again, to move away from Yaz, to save her from the heartache they knew they were going to inflict again. Another, however, wanted them to stay. Like they had promised. To ride it out, no matter what the outcome was going to be. Slowly, they lifted their eyes, trying to be brave.

“My boss knows. I may have gotten in touch with the local Met and...classed you as a missing person’s case. They said they would keep me informed, as the last person who saw you and all. Can’t say they did the best job...I ended up doing a lot of legwork myself.”

Yaz huffed, pulling her arm back and shaking her head slightly.

“I was in here every day, between my shifts, looking for you. For twenty five days. Your manager told me that you’d gotten another job, but, I didn’t believe him. How could I? A new job wouldn’t mean you didn’t answer me. In the end, I think they were tempted to bar me but...well, that’s how I got talking to Chris actually.”

So, he was involved with it all.

“He told me that he didn’t think you’d just left either. He didn’t say it, but I guess you used to talk about me a lot, if he knew who I was.”

“Um...no comment.”

That, at least, made Lee finally smile properly. Something akin to what Yaz was used to. While they knew that they had probably talked poor Chris’ ear off about everything more than anyone else, they weren’t about to admit that anytime soon. Lee had gone off about Yaz almost constantly, it had taken over their ability to tell their stories. There was nothing else that had been important to them. Plus, being around Yaz had somehow lessened their dreams. It wasn’t until they had run away, that Lee had started to be haunted beyond all else. Without Yaz, their brain had drifted into overdrive. They had actually lost count of how little sleep they had had. Thankfully it didn’t bear thinking about. All Lee needed was to hear Yaz’s voice again, not wrecked by tears and sobs. Despite the tiredness on her face, the worry lines that had slightly embedded in her face, she was looking just as beautiful as the last day Lee had seen her. It was a wonder, really.

“Chris swapped numbers with me. Said he would let me know if you ended up coming back. I think he had struck some kind of deal with your manager. I mean, he was the one who told me you’d be on shift today, and I doubt he’d have that kind of knowledge otherwise. So, yeah, it kinda really was a joint effort in the end. I wouldn’t be here now if they hadn’t’ve said anything. I’d still just be driving around Sheffield, looking for people parked in the wrong spaces, constantly stuck in a loop of…”

“Don’t. Please. You don’t have to say it, I know.”

Lee knew what was coming, and for the sake of their own sanity they had to cut the conversation there. They were on shift...they had work to do. It was not the time for emotions, despite the fact they knew that there was so much left unsaid between the both of them. Taking their hands from out of their apron pocket, Lee reached over the bar and placed a hand atop Yaz’s arm. She felt a lot warmer than they did, it was nice. As much as they still wanted to get close to her again, Lee looked around at the cafe for a moment.

“Listen. I’ll be done at five. You don’t have to stay, you don’t even have to talk to me, I know I don’t deserve it at all but-”

“No. You don’t have to finish that either. I’ll...I’ll see you at five. Bye.”

“Bye…”

Almost as quickly as she had come, Yaz was gone again, leaving Lee staring out across the cafe absentmindedly. The low turnover of customers was a blessing really, meaning that they only had to focus on the odd one or two drinks at a time. They were quite nice as well, quiet, mostly people Lee had never seen before and therefore were not asking anything of them. Although the lulls between them were hard to manage. At times, they would be joined by David, popping by to make sure they were okay. By the second visit, Lee told him that Yaz had turned up, and quietly thanked him for whatever involvement he had in the whole arrangement. They still couldn't quite explain what was going on inside their head, and there were soon too many thoughts to keep up with by the time customers were slowly starting to leave. Yaz would be coming back in an hour, and Lee had no idea what to say to her. Where were they even meant to start?

_ Start from the beginning. _

“Huh?”

Shaking their head and coming out of their daze, Lee looked around the bar. There were no customers around, and they couldn’t hear any conversations from the far tables that were crowded. A turn to the back door showed no signs of David, or Claire, or anyone other than themselves. In fact, it was far too eerily quiet. Something clearly wasn’t right, something felt off, but they couldn’t put a finger on it. However, the more they tried to think the more they noticed a pain starting to creep in across the back of their skull.

“No...not at work...not here, not now.”

The last thing they needed was to have an episode at work. Except, if they were, there wasn’t much they could do about it. Lee shuffled as far back into the liminal space between the bar and the kitchen as they could, hands slowly working up to their temples. The pain was creeping in closer, making their eyes strain, pulse quickening to a tw-time rhythm.

_ Tell Yaz everything, from the beginning. _

Lee’s head snapped up, eyes trained on where they once stood. They couldn’t register anything else around them, except for someone standing in front of them.

“Y-you’re...you’re the one...from...my dreams. But…?”

The woman that stood in front of them, they could finally see her face. It was...them. But, not them. She had short blonde hair, cropped around her chin with dark brown roots. A single piercing and cuff adorned one ear, and she wore a strange coat with yellow suspenders and blue trousers that didn’t reach the tops of her boots. There was something about her, something Lee wanted to say they recognised, but thinking hurt too much and they could feel their head grow fuzzy and eyes start to blur.

_ Yaz will understand. I promise. Trust me, alright? _

“Who...who are you...why do I keep seeing you?”

The pain was getting too much now, Lee could hardly keep focus on the woman. She shrugged her shoulders, a smile on her face as she looked off into the distance. They could only just about make out what she said before they blacked out.

_ Think of me as your conscience. A friend. Trust me, Selene. I'm a Doctor.  
_

* * *

“Lee...Lee, can you hear me?”

There was a painful ringing in their ears, a sharp pain in the back of their head, and it hurt to even try to open their eyes. In between the fuzziness and loud shrill tones, they could hear something.

“Selene Smith...can you open your eyes for me, love?”

What was happening? Why did their body feel like it was made from ten tons of lead. They hissed and winced, eyes slowly peeling open. It was bright, so bright, but why? The haze around their eyes slowly lifted, focusing on the shapes above them. Lee could see the sharp lines of the bottle lights on the ceiling, and thankfully the brightness was soon overtaken by a face. Though, they had no idea who it was.

“Oh, well done. That’s brilliant. Do you think you can tell me your name?”

The voice didn’t mean anything to them, and Lee was more confused than anything else. Whoever it was clearly knew their name, so why were they asking. The more they thought, and focused their eyes, the more they slowly registered. A woman was beside them, and she was in something high vis. A few seconds later, memories of the turn came flooding back. They tried to gasp, but it hurt too much, instead groaning low as they tried to push themselves up. But, a hand came across her shoulder, and they felt someone else on their opposite side.

“Easy. Don’t try and sit up yet, okay? You’ve had a fall, and I want to make sure you’re alright first. Can you tell me your name?”

“I-it’s...it’s Lee...ugh...S-selene…Sm-smith. Please....please j-just call me L-lee.”

“Alright, Lee, it’s nice to meet you. My name’s Jo and I’m an emergency paramedic. I’m just going to check your blood sugar levels, then we’ll get you sat up, alright? You gave your friend here quite a scare.”

_ ‘Friend?’ _

Slowly turning their head to the side, Lee could see another flash of green. Another high vis jacket. They lifted their eyes up, following the bright colour until they saw someone new. New, and unexpected. At the mention of friend, Lee’s first reaction was to think of David. Surely he would have been the one to find them. Or Claire. There was nobody else they could think of that would have responded to an emergency. Except, it did make sense, when they finally clocked that it was Yaz who was kneeling at their other side. She had had one hand on her shoulder, and another holding her hand. They hadn’t noticed that. Lee tried to say something, but hissed as they felt a prick on their opposite hand.

“Okay, your blood sugar levels look fine. Let’s help you up, yeah? Officer Khan, could you keep them stable on the left and lift on three.”

As both women helped them into a seated position against the wall, Lee felt a huge wave of nausea and lightheadedness come over them. They shook and wobbled, careening into Yaz for a moment before self-righting and groaning.

“Okay Lee, I need you to lean forward so I can take a look at the back of your head. To make sure you haven’t gotten a fracture or anything. Can you tell me what happened before you fell? Is this something that happens often?”

Lee really didn’t want to go into any detail about their episodes, never mind the fact they had full on hallucinated another person beforehand. Quite frankly, all they wanted to do was go home and rest. They grumbled as they felt hands combing through their hair.

“N-no...it doesn’t....this is a first. I haven’t been s-sleeping right so...I think I’m just exhausted...I won’t...you won’t n-need to send me to hospital….right?”

Turning to face Jo, they watched as she frowned for a moment, looking at them with a fixed gaze. For someone who had supposedly spent a lot of time in hospitals - not that they could even remember that at all - Lee had no idea what the system of care was for someone who had taken a tumble. At least they had Yaz there with them.

_ ‘Yaz…’ _

“Well, medically you’re alright, but-”

“Yaz! I, um, Yaz’ll...Yaz will take me home. We live together. Or, we will do, once she can put a transfer in. Right, Yaz?”

Sharply turning their head, Lee tried to put on their best pleading face, praying to all the stars that Yaz could figure out what they were getting at. It took a few seconds, but she did.

“Yeah. I mean...if that’s alright. I...didn’t want to say anything, when you came, because while I’m off shift I didn’t want you to think I was...you know...personally interfering. Just because I know them. Sorry.”

Shaking her head with a smile, Jo turned back to the case of medical equipment and closed it up. She spent another few minutes going on about how the hospital really wouldn’t have a place for someone who just needed sleep. But, Yaz was instructed to immediately phone 999 in the event that Lee had another turn. With everything settled, she returned to her car, leaving Yaz and Lee sat on the floor behind the bar counter. They sat in silence, which gave Lee an opportunity to think. They really didn’t want to go back to their flat, not yet at least. The place was now haunted by so many dark thoughts and spirals, that there was a part of them that feared for their sanity in being alone again. But then again, where else could they go? They had no family, and they didn’t want to stay on the couch of their colleagues. David was probably well are of their turn, but none of them would quite understand the fact it was bordering on psychosis now.

“Lee...what really happened?”

They were snapped out of their stupor by the sound of a quiet, weak voice. Lee turned and twisted their body around, shuffling back a little across the floor, to face Yaz. She was looking down at the floor, twisting her hands in her lap. She looked so scared, so sad. God, they really had messed up something awful. They pondered, again, how to even try and word things. It would be so much easier to lie, to say that they had told the paramedic the truth. But, all they could hear inside their head were the words of...whoever that woman from their dreams and hallucination was. She said to trust Yaz, that Yaz would understand what they were going through. It didn’t make any sense, not at all, and yet Lee wanted to believe her. Lee wanted to believe in Yaz, that she wouldn’t just write them off as completely insane. With a quiet sigh, they fumbled around inside the pocket of their apron and pulled out their pocket watch. Fingers traced over the circular markings on the front of the cold silver metal, their heart starting to pound in a double-time rhythm. Again. It always seemed to happen when they picked up the watch, and yet it always brought them great comfort. Despite not knowing anything about it at all.

“Do you really wanna know, Yaz?”

Lee responded in an equally quiet tone, but theirs was heavily weighed down by tiredness and sadness. They caught Yaz turning in the corner of their eye, felt a hand come and rest against their knee, and all they could do was quietly laugh and smile.

“Please...tell me.”

_ It’s going to be okay. _

“I was telling the truth...when I said I hadn’t been sleeping. I don’t remember the last time I got a good sleep, even just for a few hours. If I close my eyes...I see everything. Too much, but also not enough. Everything from my dreams. It’s like it’s...it’s like it’s real. Memories. Something I should recognise but I know I can’t because it’s impossible. How can it be real?”

Lee’s fingers stilled against the pocket watch.

“Then there’s the headaches. The blackouts. It’s like my body is shutting down, like it can’t process what’s going on inside my head. My heart rate keeps spiking, and it feels like I’ve got two of them sometimes. It hurts, so much. Then everything got worse and worse and I started to hear voices. I don’t know who, or what they are, but they wouldn’t leave me alone. I tried to sleep to get them to be quiet, but then I dreamt and it made everything worse. The voices ended up...they...they ended up as the woman I keep seeing in my dreams. She was talking to me, and she was the one who made me come back. But then...today...when I…”

Since when had talking been so hard?

“W-when I fell...I...I saw...I saw her. I saw her, Yaz. She was right there. Talking to me, like she was a real person. Smiling at me. T-telling m-me that it was going to be o-okay...I’m so scared, Yaz. I hate this. I h-hate all of it. Why c-can’t I just b-be normal? Why c-can’t I remember anything? W-why do I feel s-so scared all the ti-time? It’s funny b-because...the only time I feel al-alright...is when...when I’m...when I’m with you. But why is it you? That’s w-what scares me the most. I don’t k-know why y-you’re so important. Why you? Why do I feel s-so close to you? Why do you make me f-feel so s-safe? But then...you look at me. Y-you look at me like I’m not real. Like I d-don’t e-exist. Like I’m not really h-here, or that you’re looking for s-someone e-el-else. Why? It doesn’t m-make a-any sense. Am I a bad p-person, Yaz? W-what have I d-done to d-deserve t-th-this?”

They couldn’t feel the tears rolling down their cheeks, couldn’t taste it on their tongue as they spoke. They couldn’t feel the tremors in their shoulders, the tingling in their lips and fingers, the burning pain in their lungs as the oxygen starvation kicked in. They couldn’t feel anything at all, could barely register the words that tumbled from their mouth. There was a crushing weight atop their shoulders that pushed them deep within themselves, and it didn’t bother Lee in the slightest. If a lightning bolt could strike them down, or an earthquake, or any other disaster...they wouldn’t care. Anything was better than where they were right now. Though, when Lee was dragged into an almost bone crushing hug, that was when they truly broke. All of the pain and the hurt they had been holding onto, all of the fear and loneliness, everything cracked when they were taken into Yaz’s arms. With their face pressed into her shoulder, they cried and choked and whimpered, shaking as Yaz stroked her hands up and down her back. She cooed them softly, feeling tears start to work their way into her own eyes. The Doctor had never been forthright with emotions, so perhaps she had been wrong after all. Maybe, just maybe, there was something else going on instead. Maybe Lee really was...just Lee.  Yaz had no idea how long had passed before Lee was finally quiet and still, and was at least thankful that the rest of the staff hadn’t come out at any point. Although, with the silence around them, it was clearly time to get going. Somewhere. Somewhere that only Yaz knew, somewhere that she hoped would help. Lee eventually pulled away, sniffling and trying to hide their red eyes by taking out their ponytail and hiding behind a matt of faded silver and blue-green hair.

“Come back with me. To Sheffield. You can...we can go see my friends. You don’t have to go home, not yet. Unless that’s what you want.”

“I...um…”

Hazel-green eyes peered out from beneath their mass of hair, Lee chewing down on their bottom lip for a few seconds. It was true, they didn’t want to go home. Home was scary. But, could they really just go back with Yaz like that? Was that really the best option for them? Hands came up and wrapped around their stomach, pushing against their ribs and trying to keep everything inside them contained. Again, the same words kept floating around inside their mind about being able to trust Yaz, and that she understood. Swallowing hard, they shook their head a little to shift some of their hair and then gave a slow nod.

“O-okay...I think...I think I’d like that.”

* * *

“Thank you for having us for tea at such short notice, Graham.”

Yaz stood at the doorway, eyes briefly turning towards the road where Lee stood outside waiting for her. They had perked up quite a bit after sitting down and having some food, and they had been laughing and joking along with the rest of them as if nothing had happened. It had been strange to see, but Yaz had to admit it was the most wonderful thing she had seen in some months. Graham smiled softly, propping himself up with one arm against the hallway wall.

“Anytime cockle. You know I don’t mind any excuse to cook. Sorry it was just frozen pizza and chips, it was all I had in. You sure you’re gonna be alright going home, though? I mean, I’m more than happy to take Lee in for the night so you don’t have to.”

Again, Yaz looked out onto the street, but for a little longer this time. She had taken Lee home just long enough for them to get changed, and made sure to wrap them up in several layers. Underneath the warm yellow streetlight, they looked happy in their jumper and jeans, a lick of a smile on their face as they looked down at their phone. Sure, it probably wasn’t the best idea to take Lee back to their house. She had tried to explain to her parents the whole situation, and was a little unsure how they would react to seeing someone who looked so much like the Doctor...and yet, more than likely wasn’t. But she couldn’t let them stay at home on their own, it just wasn’t safe.

“I’ll be alright. Promise. I’ll drop Ryan a text in the morning to let you know if they’re okay. Might get Lee to spend a bit more time around you guys, save them being on their own again. If that’s alright. Anyway, thanks again Graham. I’ll maybe see you tomorrow. Night!”

“Alright. Have a good night. Just give a bell if you need anything.”

After taking the few steps down to the pavement, Yaz caught Lee looking up at the sky.

“‘S a beautiful night. Don’t really care that you can’t see that much. Gonna be a full moon in a few days too. Can’t wait. How long is it to yours, anyway?”

Lee smiled as they watched Yaz link arms with them, slowly starting to walk off down the street. It had been far too long since they had been close to her, and the simple connection alone felt electric to them. They shuffled a little closer, shoulders bumping, eyes still partly turned up to the sky as they walked.

“Not that far. Do you...wanna stay out a bit to look at the stars? ‘Cause we can go the long way round through the city centre.”

“I’d like that.”

Nothing made Lee feel more at home than the stars. It was any wonder, considering their name was to do with the moon and all. There had always been some kind of connection, and wonder there, though they couldn’t quite explain why. If they knew their parents, maybe they would be able to say more. Still, walking through the quiet streets with Yaz was perfect. The stars were mostly shrouded by thick clouds that rolled over the grey-blue sky, but whenever they or the moon came out for a second, Lee would stop and point up to the sky. They regaled Yaz with guesses about what the stars were - astronomy wasn’t really their strong suit, considering - and it made them feel warm and fuzzy whenever Yaz would laugh. Sometimes, she would even correct them, and in those moments Lee swore blind that they had died and gone to heaven. Oh, how lucky they were to have Yasmin Khan. The universe had been so kind to them, to have the woman randomly fall in their lap like that. Not that Lee had any idea they would have grown so fond of her so quickly. That was still what scared them, really, and yet since they had talked at the Cafe after the fall, things seemed to be perfectly okay. Yaz didn’t look through them anymore. Just...at them. She listened, stroked the back of her hand, bumped shoulders and just enjoyed their company. Everything was completely perfect.

“How d’you know so much about space?”

“Oh...well...I had a friend who was kinda obsessed with it all. What about you?”

“Dunno really, it’s just something I’ve always...I...h-”

No. No, it couldn't be. Lee ground to a halt, body growing tense and rigid as they looked across the street. How could it be there? It was impossible. Words caught in their throat, and it felt like they were choking. Drowning. Every single thing they had been trying to push down came crashing back and tumbling down all over again. The only thing that Lee could process was fear - unadulterated, explosive fear - and the only thing they could think about was one thing. One word.

_ Run. _

So, they did just that. They tore themselves away from Yaz, not caring that she yelped in shock and maybe a bit of pain too. They needed to leave. Sheffield was a bad idea.

“Lee?! Lee where are you-”

Yaz made a move to run, to chase after them, but paused. She turned on her heels, trying to follow the gaze that Lee must have had before they bolted. It was just the Sheffield high street, there was nothing that…

“Oh no.”

The police box.

“Lee, come back!”

She gave chase then, eyes trained on the white and blue blur that was growing further and further away from them. Why had she taken that route through the city? What on earth had possessed her? She knew the police box was on the street, she had passed it every day of her life so far, and yet suddenly she was completely blind to it. Yaz had no idea where Lee was going, though it was at least safe to assume that they didn’t either. It was unlikely that they knew their way around Sheffield, but she still kept chasing. It was a surprise to her really that Lee started to slow down quite quickly. She could have continued running for far longer. But, thankfully, she could catch up to them at least. Yaz followed the streets around until she came to the Sheaf Valley Park, and watched Lee stumble down the steep steps before dropping down and curling up against one of the handrails. Tentatively, Yaz followed behind, slowly creeping down the steps.

“Lee?”

She could hear them crying again, louder than they had in the cafe, but not loud enough to suggest they were going to have another episode. Yaz carefully came behind them, sitting down on the steps. She wanted to reach out and touch them, hold them again, but really, she had no idea what to do. All she could do was talk.

“Lee, I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“T-the box...how...how is the box here?”

That confused Yaz. After just coming around to the idea that maybe Lee had no connection to the Doctor aside from random coincidences, now another thing was coming up that was a huge red flag.

“What do you mean, how is the box here?”

Lee uncurled from around the handrail, swiping the hair from out of their face as they grimaced.

“It just...it just looks like...it looks like the blue one outside my flat. The one I keep seeing in my dreams. I need to go back. Please...please take me back...the box...I need the police box back. I need to show you the box…Take me back to the box.”


	5. I Just Wanted To Hold You In My Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A blackout. A breakdown. A dinner. A breakdown. A new beginning...or, that was what Yaz was hoping for. She was hoping oh so much that she could just spend the rest of her days with Lee. But the universe is cold and unforgiving, and instead all she can manage to gather up is heartbreak. As for Lee? Who's Lee?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot begin to tell you how much I have messed around with this chapter.  
> And I am so so sorry it is so big.  
> I kept trying to split it up somehow and I just...couldn't? It just works as one big lump.  
> I do hope you forgive me with this emotional rollercoaster by what I'm gonna say in the end notes.

“They’re pretty shaken up, Ryan. I don’t know what to do…”

Yaz sat at the foot of her bed, tapping one hand against her knee as she held the phone close to her ear. She turned to the side, looking over as Lee slept unusually sound in her bed, hands bunched into the covers and breathing light. It had taken her an hour to get them back to her flat after their minor episode, and they had crashed almost as soon as their head hit the pillows. Yaz had spent another half an hour just watching them for any signs of distress, before finally giving in and calling Ryan about what had happened. She kept her voice low, turning back to the window to watch the dark clouds roll over the night sky.

“You really think the TARDIS is down by Lee’s flat?”

“Don’t see why not. I mean, you know I combed the city for months looking for it. Couldn’t find it anywhere. I just assumed maybe it had, you know, vanished again. Like what the Doctor said before she dragged us into space. Dematerialised for some reason.”

There was a moment of silence on the end of the phone, before Yaz heard shuffling and Graham’s muffled voice in the background. There was a brief change in the volume before she realised he had put the phone on loudspeaker.

“Sorry. Don’t mind me dropping in. Just got back from dropping something over to my mate Terry. Wanna get an oldie up to speed?”

So, Yaz started from the beginning. Again. About how she had taken the long way home to let Lee enjoy the night sky. How they had been happy, talkative, like everything was okay and maybe they had been wrong about them. How she had stupidly gone through the city centre and past the old police box...and how Lee had backtracked and ran back to the park and just lost it. To a degree. At least they hadn’t blacked out again. Yaz quickly added that they were now sound asleep, and had no idea what she was even meant to do with them now. She heard an appreciative murmur in response, before Graham replied.

“Yaz...you weren’t to know it’d set them off like that. I mean, it’s just part of Sheffield, like the bus stops or the street lights. You don’t pay attention to it.”

“I know, I just...still feel like I should have known. I should have paid attention to my gut about all this, I’m sure it’s the Doctor. It has to be! Nobody else would get so worked up over a blue police box. But...what do I do about it? What do we do about it? The Doctor would do anything for us, I know it. She deserves the same back. For us to get her back. But...but, what happens to Lee?”

Again, there was silence, and all Yaz could do was sigh. She missed the Doctor, more than anyone else did, she knew that. While everyone else had moved on and accepted she had gone, Yaz had been there doing everything in her power to look for her. She had even called in favours on the force. Scoured the city from top to bottom. Nothing she did had given her any answers and yet she never stopped looking. Even though it had broken her, changed her as a person, she had never given up hope. Hope was what the Doctor had told her was the most important thing in the universe. She had hoped so much that, somehow, she had found Lee. Someone who was so much like the Doctor, and yet not like her at all. Lee, who had her face, her smile, the same lines between her eyes. The same voice, mannerisms, but nothing else. They were not the same people, Lee was someone entirely different. They were loud, brash, excitable. They were open and honest and vulnerable. They had laughed at her jokes, danced with her, talked about life and all things beyond. They were nothing at all like the Doctor. While Yaz still held a burning flame for the Time Lord, Lee had taken over her heart.

She loved them.

What would happen to them, if she tried to get the Doctor back?

“I don’t know, cockle. I really don’t know. But, there is something that I do know. And, I know it for certain too.”

Dragging herself from her daze, Yaz turned back to look at Lee.

“Yeah?”

“I know that, and Ryan’ll back me up on this, that you don’t give up on people. You didn’t give up on the Doc. Not even for a moment. You’re not gonna give up on Lee, now, are ya?”

Just as she was about to respond, Yaz paused. In the faint light of the room, she could see Lee shifting in their sleep. Their legs curled up closer to their chest, hands disappearing under the covers as they started to murmur. The first few moments were completely illegible, nonsensical, and Yaz made a move to ignore them. She was glad that Lee was sleeping soundly, it at least put part of her mind at ease. But, it was the next second, where she swore she heard something legitimate, that truly threw her off.

“Yaz’s...tea...t...Yaz’s...brill-nt…”

“I’m not giving up on her…”

Slowly, Yaz pushed herself off the bed and made her way around the side. Her eyes followed the dips and curves that Lee left under the sheets, scanning over their face to see the smile tugging at the corners of their lips. They looked like an angel, lips moving to silent murmurs before they finally settled down again. Yaz reached over and gently moved a hand over and through their faded silver locks. Really, there was only one thing she could do, and while it pained Yaz to even contemplate it, there wasn't any other alternative. She looked back out of the window, sighing heavily.

“I’ll bring Lee around in the morning. For lunch. Then, I’ll take them home...and see if it really is the TARDIS that’s outside their flat. I’m not sure what will happen then, just...I guess I have to leave it up to them to decide.”

There were two hums in response, and Yaz was a little surprised that Ryan piped up first.

“Pretty sure me and Gramps can knock up something great. Don’t wanna leave on a sour note, you know? Better to...better to have something good to remember. And, you know, whatever happens mate...you got us, yeah?”

“Too right, sunshine. Whatever comes around, whatever happens to Lee, promise that we’ll do whatever we can to not make it a bad ending. It’s gonna be alright. But, go get some sleep Yaz. Can’t imagine how exhausting it all must have been We’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

With a whispered goodbye, Yaz put the phone down. She cradled it in her hands, looking down at the lock screen that shone faintly in the dark. It was a photo she had taken of Lee, when they had gone out to a cafe. Something had possessed her to take a snap of them at the counter ordering their drinks. Really, it was a stupid photo. Lee was gesticulating wildly, practically beaming as they spoke, and the barista was hanging on their every word. Both hot chocolates were on the tray, along with a giant custard cream and a slice of carrot cake. There was something about it, something that made Yaz feel warm inside, that had inspired her to take it. Since then, she had carried it with her everywhere, too smitten to change it back to something generic. It just made her feel happy, but the more she stared at it, the more she could picture the Doctor. Her grey-blue coat would fit perfectly on Lee, swinging wide and sleeves falling down to show the tight shirt underneath. A flash of mustard yellow against deep navy, or magenta, along with the faded rainbow stripes. Blonde, cropped hair over silver-blue...it just worked. She could see the Doctor in Lee’s place, and it hurt. It hurt so much that she barely noticed the teardrops rolling down her screen until Yaz felt her chest growing tight and painful. Quickly, she wiped her sleeve across her eyes, sniffling and turning towards the door. She was going to leave Lee in her bed for the night, the sofa was fine for her.

Getting close would do more harm than good.

Carefully and quietly making her way out of the room, Yaz tiptoed through the space between her bedroom and the lounge before dropping down on the sofa. She dragged one of the throw cushions into her lap before pressing it tight against her chest. Her chin came down to rest against the fluffy fabric, and she sighed again. There was no way to know if she was making the right decision or not. Usually, Yaz would go headlong into anything she thought was right, not now...now she wasn’t so sure. She wished more than anything that the Doctor was standing beside her, rambling her thoughts and ideas, giving her something to go off. An idea if she was right or not. The Doctor would know, she always did, was always ready to help and would do anything to do something right. Except...was there even a right thing to do in this instance? Yaz stared up at the ceiling, tracing the faint lines of artex as she pondered. The watch meant something, except she couldn’t quite remember what the Doctor had told her about it. Something to do with hiding, that was all she could remember.

If the Doctor was hiding, then what was she hiding from? They had survived Gallifrey, the Cybermen and the Master. What was worse than them? Though, Yaz really had no idea if she had survived or not. It had been bothering her since the day the other TARDIS brought them home. If it hadn't gone into the care of Ravio and settled down outside of Sheffield, she would have stolen it back and gone back to Gallifrey for some proof. Anything to tell her that the Doctor was alive or not. If she worked on the assumption that she was - hence why Lee looked so much like her - then it really was a matter of why the Doctor was hiding. How deeply was she hiding away, if Lee had no idea who Yaz was, save for vague memories and a strange pull. What was stopping Lee from knowing why the police box scared them so much, or why they had been hearing voices? Clearly, the Doctor was in there somewhere, trying to get out, but there was nothing to tell Yaz why. Why now? Why, a year later was she finally starting to surface again? There were far too many questions to think of, and it was giving Yaz a terrible headache. She needed to stop, to sleep and rest, so she could carry on with whatever insane plan she would inevitably concoct in the morning. Rolling over onto her side, she continued to hug the pillow close to her body as she gazed across the lounge. If only the Doctor was sitting opposite her, with her warm smile and kind words, maybe then she would know what to do.

It didn’t take long at all before Yaz found herself in a deep sleep, and certainly no time at all before she started to dream. With everything that had happened in the last six months, dreams had become a rarity. Mostly nonsensical fragments of fantasy. Except, Lee had recently started to worm their way inside of them. Sometimes she would play back the dates they had had together, and other times Yaz would think of something entirely new. Much to her chagrin, the recent slew had all been...nightmarish. Inside her head, Lee had died so many times. More than she could count. She would watch through invisible glass, screaming, just unable to stop it happen. Sometimes even, it wouldn’t be Lee. It was the Doctor. In the most brutal, gruesome ways possible. Yaz had woken up in floods of tears, lost to panic attacks, unable to articulate to her parents why she was screaming in the dead of night. Thankfully, her dreams contained no such things. Except, it would have made her feel so much better if they had. Yaz found herself in a blank white space, with the Doctor turned away in the distance. No matter how much she screamed, or ran, she couldn’t catch up to her or get her attention. Sometimes, her body would fracture and splinter off, the Doctor and Lee standing side by side, both still ignoring her pleas. When they merged, the world would shift, blurring and twisting into the deep orange hue she knew as Gallifrey. As she continued to run and scream, her vision clouded over suddenly by thick black smoke. She could feel the burning heat and hear the crackle of flames, followed by shattering glass. Yaz continued to shout and scream as she ran, but to no avail, until something caught her attention.

“ _Help me_.”

Yaz bolted upright in the dim morning light, eyes frantically searching her surroundings. She was home, in her lounge, with nobody else there. The flat was silent, save for the sounds of the birds singing outside the windows. Twisting around, she glanced over the back of the sofa and squinted at the clock in the kitchen. It was only five twenty. Far too early for anyone to be awake. But, there was no chance of her falling back to sleep anytime soon. The only thing that would help settle her was some tea. At least she wouldn’t be disturbed.

“I wish I could help you, Doctor...I don’t know what to do…”

Muttering under her breath, Yaz dragged her tired and weary body from the sofa and meandered into the kitchen. She practically set herself to autopilot, filling the kettle as quietly as she could for those who would wake up later, before flicking the switch on the wall and letting it boil away. As she opened the top cupboard and stood on her toes, she paused, eyes staring at the rows of mugs on offer. Most of them were old ones, ones she had either inherited from others or things she had had as gifts since she was a child. Her Nani’s favourite mug was in there, even. But, in amongst all of them, was one particular mug she had been ignoring for months. It was the same colour as the TARDIS, and Yaz tentatively pulled it out. It felt heavier somehow, colder too, and it felt strange to hold or even look at. Yaz had pushed it to the back of the cupboard the day she had returned home on the other TARDIS, and never thought of it since. Somehow, it was calling her. The Doctor had given it to her one day, randomly in passing, and Yaz had used it on the TARDIS for months before bringing it home and somehow never bringing it back. It was special to her, more special than she could put into words. She carefully placed it on the work surface, closing the cupboard and turning towards the small caddies of tea and sugar. As the kettle clicked quietly, Yaz heard another noise too and it made her jump. Twisting around sharply with a tea bag in hand, she let out a harsh sigh.

“S-sorry...I didn’t mean t’startle you Yaz…”

Shuffling awkwardly on the spot, with sunken eyes and an apologetic smile, was Lee. Their hair looked a frizzy mess, and their shirt had untucked from their pants on one side. Somehow, they had failed to notice a missing sock too. It was quite a sight for Yaz to behold, once her heart had stopped and dropped from her throat. She ran her free hand through her hair and then dragged it down her face, eyes turning towards the kettle for a moment. Considering she had learned very early on that Lee was not a morning person by any means - unlike the Doctor, who seemed to never want to sleep at any point in time - she was surprised to see them up and about so early in the morning.

“D’you want one?”

Yaz waved the tea bag for a second before turning to drop it into her mug. When she turned back around, Lee had wrapped their arms around their stomach and their eyes were turned to the floor. Pale, miscoloured hair fell over their face and obscured their mouth, but Yaz just about made out the mumbled ‘yes please’ and slight nod of their head. Once again, she turned to the top cupboard and pulled a mug out - one decorated with pink and blue stars - and set that down beside her own before dropping in another tea bag.

“Still have an unhealthy amount of sugar in it?”

She half wondered if the playful jab would go unnoticed, considering how early in the morning it was, but as Yaz reached for the sugar caddy, she heard an indignant scoff come from behind her.

“Oi, I don’t have that much.”

Lee slid around to her right, reaching over and taking the orange container from her hands. Yaz simply rolled her eyes, brandishing the spoon with raised eyebrows.

“And how much is too much, then, hmm?”

While Yaz took the kettle and poured the bubbling water into the mugs, Lee set about adding the sugar into their tea. Quite frankly, Yaz had no idea how it was even possible to stomach so much sugar, the drink barely registered as tea anymore if she dared to think about the ratios. Still, it put a bit of a smile onto Lee’s face, and that was all she could really hope for at the end of the day.

“Anything more than six and it tastes weird. Six is the perfect amount of sugar.”

“You’re gonna turn into a stack of sugar if you’re not careful…”

“Aww, how _sweet_ of you to say so, Yaz. I’m just so _sickly_ and _saccharine_ , aren’t I?”

With the teas set and brewing, Yaz turned around and rolled her eyes at Lee, who simply beamed in response. They even stepped a little closer and jabbed at her arm, which Yaz simply brushed off with a swat of hands and some quiet laughter.

“Oh, you’re awful, you know that?”

Lee nodded, resting their hands on their hips proudly.

“Yep. But you know you love it, Yaz.”

“Yeah...I do.”

Yaz wasn’t sure why the words came out of her mouth, or even in what kind of tone, but whatever the case was she felt her blood run cold and eyes widen. She expected Lee to respond back, say another joke, but even they paused. Something settled in the air as the tea stewed, a strangely appropriate metaphor for whatever was happening between the two of them at that moment. Despite her best efforts, Yaz couldn’t back out of her admission, her mouth simply not responding to any of the signals her brain was screaming. As much as she was secretly glad that Lee wasn’t running for the hills, breaking down or calling her stupid, their silence was hard to handle. Both of them just stared at the other, waiting for something to happen. Anything. The only something that happened, was Yaz walking over to the fridge and pulling out a carton of milk. She continued to mentally berate herself as she added a splash to both her own and to Lee’s tea, before putting the milk back and taking hold of both mugs. In continued silence, she walked the both of them over to the sofa where she had spent the night in restless turmoil, setting the teas down on the table and just...doing nothing.

“Thanks for letting me crash here, by the way. And...um...I’m sorry for...you know...kinda losing it last night.”

“You don’t have to apologise. If anything, I’m the one who should be apologising to you. I should have apologised a long time ago…”

Twisting to the side, Yaz looked over at Lee softly, holding up a hand as they went to try and dissuade her from carrying on. As much as she knew what was coming - you’re not the problem, you never have been - she still felt like she needed to say it. Really, Yaz had a lot to apologise for. So much that she had spent so much time thinking about while Lee had vanished from the world. It was the only chance she was ever going to get to say it. Lee eventually closed their mouth, hands twisting nervously in their lap as hazel-green eyes softened and they gave a little nod.

“I made you feel like you weren’t really there. Like...you didn’t matter. Like something was wrong with you, and I am so sorry for that. I never meant to do that. I don’t want to be another thing that’s messed up in your life. I want to help you, to make you feel less alone. Because, Lee, you don’t deserve to be alone. You’re the most remarkable person I’ve ever had the chance to meet. I don’t want to lose time with you, not again, I want more. More time with you. But...if you don’t want that after the absolute piece of trash I’ve been then-”

“Yaz, stop.”

She did as instructed, barely registering the fact that Lee had shuffled closer and was leaning across. Slender fingers brushed over her cheek, picking up the thread of tears Yaz hadn’t even felt fall. It was the most intimate thing she had ever seen Lee do, and she couldn’t help the smile that came across her face as they opened up their arms and pulled her in closer.

“You aren’t a piece of trash. Okay? Promise me you’ll never say stuff like that about yourself again. Or at least, do like me and make any insults into something off the wall and cheesy as fuck, yeah?”

Yaz laughed into the crook of Lee’s neck, taking in the sheer warmth that seemed to always radiate from them. She felt them squeeze her close, hands moving up and down her spine as all she could do was let herself feel safe and secure.

“Yeah. Promise.”

Promises were hard. Promises never ended well. Promises were just things that would come back to bite you. Yet, Yaz couldn’t stop herself from promising. She couldn't really stop herself from doing anything that Lee asked of her. All sense of self seemed to dissolve into something else entirely when she found herself around them, but really, it was one of the best feelings Yaz had felt in a long time. She had spent so long trying to find the thing that was missing, doing everything in her power to get it back. It had made her incredibly short, sick, thrown most of her sense of self into the unknown. Lee had a way of backhandedly bringing her back to herself. Back to the person she had lost. There was something in Lee that made her want to stay exactly where she was. It was safety, love, understanding. So many things she had forgotten to give herself for so long. Lee was everything that she was missing from her life. It was like coming home again. How could she have ever let go?

“You gonna let me drink my cuppa, or are you gonna be a koala a little longer. ‘Cause if you are, I really need to rearrange.”

Withdrawing her arms slowly, Yaz eventually let go of Lee. She turned her attention towards the beams of light coming through the window as the sun rose higher across the estate, watching as dust danced across the pale yellow. When she turned back around, Lee had reclined across the arm of the sofa, their hands smoothing down the deep bunches in their jeans before patting their lap. The tea really was too hot to drink - Yaz reasoned - and found she was more than happy to take the opportunity to lie down in Lee’s lap. Her head came to rest against their stomach, shoulders holding her weight over their thighs. It didn’t take long before slender fingers worked into her loose hair and started to draw shapes against her scalp.

“‘S nice.”

“Mmm.”

“Why’re you up anyways? I thought mornings weren’t your thing?”

Lee’s fingers stilled against her head, and Yaz felt their muscles tense up underneath her. She opened her eyes and looked up to see their clenched jaw and vacant stare across the room. Something had happened, clearly.

“I...it’s nothing.”

Obviously it wasn’t, and Yaz mentally kicked herself for even attempting to ask. She quickly sat up again, taking hold of Lee’s hands and clutching them as tight as she could. Even as she stroked the back of burning hands, something had changed between them. Again. The air had grown thick and cold, no longer filled with the warmth and jokes of mere moments ago. Yaz couldn’t even find the will to try and say something again, bogged down by the ever present fear of failure and hurt. Though, she was soon surprised by the fact Lee started to laugh faintly, shaking their head as they continued to stare off into the distance. She had seen the Doctor have the same look, with the same impossible age reflected in the hazel-green of Lee’s stare.

“I had a dream again. It was calmer this time, though. Which was...nice. Means I actually got a bit of sleep for a change. But, it just felt like deja vu. Like I should have known where I was. You were there, you know. Or, I think you were. I don’t really know who else it could be, so I just say it’s you because it feels right. But...that woman was there too. So was the box. It was nice, though, like I say. Not really sure what to do with all that so I just got up instead. Didn’t expect to see you shuffling around making tea though. I could feel myself wanting to bolt again, but I stayed. Here we are...talking about nothing, again.”

Yaz didn’t expect for Lee to break out of her grasp and made a little gasp, but reigned herself in as she watched them just reach over for their mug of tea. Once again, the two of them fell into a strangely mutable silence, doing nothing but nursing the hot drinks in their hand and thinking. Yaz shuffled back over to sit next to Lee, just to feel them, letting time tick away.

_ ‘I wonder if it’s really a good idea to take her to see the boys...maybe I should do something else instead. But, what if going out gives Lee another episode. They said they wanted to go home, to show me the blue box, but...I don’t know what to do. Doctor...if you’re in there somewhere...if you really are somehow Selene...please, give me some kind of sign.’ _

As she took the final sip of tea, Yaz found her eyes wandering back to Lee. They were still looking elsewhere, practically anywhere inside her flat that wasn’t directly at her. It was understandable, really. Still, it made her nerves flare up more than they had when she had woken up from the half-dream half-nightmare. She settled the empty mug down on the low coffee table, standing up from the sofa and making her way towards the balcony doors. She pushed the curtains aside, lighting up the room with the morning sun. Sheffield looked quiet, peaceful almost, a stark contrast to the busy streets she normally saw on duty. The more she looked outside, the more she pondered. When was the last time she saw something other than a cityscape? It had been so long since she had gone...off world, basically. In her head, she remembered vividly some of the alien landscapes she had visited; deserts, sprawling forest, expansive caves, moons and the near endless expanse of space. It set a deep longing to spark inside her head, and she turned back towards Lee. With their faded silver hair and relaxed stature, they looked so human. The alien features seemed almost non-existent, and Yaz noticed she saw less of the Doctor in them now. Lee eventually turned, probably feeling the burn of dark eyes over them, settling their own mug down on the table and smiling weakly.

“So...do you...I don’t know...wanna get up to something today? I mean, Dave only lets me on shift once a week right now and I don’t think he’ll be letting me back in anytime soon seeing as I just blacked out on him like that. Gotta think of ways to spend the empty minutes, you know? Don’t think it’s a good idea for me to...um...be on my own anymore.”

Well, at least she didn’t have to broach the subject herself anymore.

“Graham invited us down for dinner. If you wanna go.”

The smile on Lee’s face seemed to tug a little wider, their hands clapping together for a brief moment as they straightened themselves out.

“You want me to hang out with your mates? I mean, I’m down for that. They’re pretty cool people. Kinda feel bad turning up in such a state though. I mean, just look at my hair. I hate how blue always turns into this shitty yellow-green colour. It’s so gross!”

“Could always drop by yours later and dye it for you.”

Once again, Yaz only just caught up to her words half a second too late. She recoiled a little as Lee stood up from the sofa and started to walk towards her. Backing herself up against the wall, she sucked in a breath and closed her eyes as she saw a hand coming towards her. But, seconds passed, nothing happened. Slowly, Yaz’s eyes opened, and she saw Lee’s arm close to her face and a strange look on their face.

“Yasmin Khan.”

She was doomed.

“You invited yourself back to mine? Really? You fucking got in there before I could, I’m...how dare you, honestly. That was supposed to be my bit! You sneaky little shit. I guess I don’t have to say anything now. Sure, I’ll let you take me home. I am gonna get you back for this though, I swear down.”

Or...not?

“I- what?”

“You heard me. Now, are ya gonna help me get more presentable for your mates, officer?”

Lee was gone then, walking back to their bedroom with an obvious spring in their step. Yaz stood stock still by the wall, still too dazed to register what exactly had just happened. They had gone from melancholy and distant, to bright and bold in the next second. Being around Lee came with some amount of whiplash and it was the most that Yaz had experienced yet. Alone in the lounge, she let go of the breath she had held, feeling her shoulders slump and body crumple forward slightly. She was tired, confused, but she still followed after Lee without so much as a second thought. Also, she would be lying through her teeth if she tried to convince herself she hadn’t enjoyed the exchange to some degree. However narrow or wide that feeling was, she would figure out later, because the most important thing Yaz needed to do was survive long enough to get to Ryan and Graham for dinner. She found herself pausing at the door of her bedroom, nerves blossoming in the pit of her stomach as her hand hovered over the door handle. Everything was going off the rails, was slipping out of her control. Maybe she could make it through unscathed. She had to - just to get Lee home.

* * *

Rocking back and forth on their heels, Lee waited expectantly at Yaz’s side as she reached up and knocked against the door several times. They had managed to run away with one of Yaz’s very old and oversized band shirts - one from Weezer - and some paint stained jeans. It was enough to keep them going until they got home again and could get into something a lot more comfortable. Still, there was something that Lee found innately thrilling about wearing Yaz’s clothes. They weren’t sure if it was just because they smelt of her shampoo and fabric softener, or just that they were hers, but whatever it was Lee was holding onto the feeling with an iron grip and using it to chase off the returning swirling chaos inside their head. For some reason, the voices were getting louder again. They were still whispers, really, but they were getting more...intense. Distracting. Lee’s fingers idly played in the pocket of the jeans, ghosting over the pocket watch and its chain. Something about it felt different. Colder. Heavier. There was something that made them want to touch it. Hold it. They could feel the circular markings under their skin, burning into them. Thankfully, before they could think about it further, they jumped as the lock on the front door clicked and it swung open.

“Alright you two. Thought you’d gotten lost somewhere. Come on in, got a bit carried away and put a spread on. Ryan’s just setting the table. Get comfy, as usual. You know the rules.”

With a wide smile on his face, Graham stepped aside with arms outstretched and beckoned the two of them into his home. Yaz gave a quiet thank you and Lee ducked their head as they stepped inside. As Yaz went on ahead and got dragged into a bear hug by Ryan, Lee lingered in the doorway to the dining room come lounge. Somehow, the voices only seemed to get louder now they had come inside, and a spark of pain started to travel up their neck and into their head. Hissing through gritted teeth and praying another episode wasn’t about to hit them in full company, Lee jumped again as Graham came over to their side and looked on with concern.

“You alright, sunshine?”

Hand coming out of the pocket of their jeans, Lee held both up and shook their head slightly, pushing some hair behind their ear.

“Y-yeah. I’m great. Tip top. Totally fine. Nothing wrong here.”

Lee tried to brush the exchange off with a smile, tried to move away, but found their body paralyzed to the spot. Graham raised his eyebrows, leaning up against the other side of the door frame almost expectantly. It was far too much.

“I guess...just got hit with a sense of deja vu. Again. Been happening a lot since I got up this morning. I mean, I know I’ve already been here. It was here last night. But there’s something just…”

Their eyes shifted away from Graham and started to travel around the room. While they had taken notice of some things when they had first arrived, Lee found themselves noticing everything. But, not in a curious way. Everything seemed to scream comfort and familiarity to them, and it was weird. They hadn’t sat on the sofa, but just looking at it they knew it was soft, with a few lumps and divots from use. The fireplace, there was something about the lines of photographs that made them want to take a closer look. But, that they already knew who was in them. Every single item in Graham’s house seemed to elicit that same response in them. Combined with the voices in their head - TARDIS, time and space, comfy sofa, hope, Grace - it was slowly driving them insane. Though, they were soon dragged out of their spiralling brain by a sturdy hand coming to rest against their shoulder. Graham was still smiling at them, and much like with Yaz, just that look alone made them feel safe.

“Might help you think better if you’ve got some food in you. Can’t beat lunch, I always say. Especially a cheese sarnie. Come on, why don'tcha sit yourself down? You can tell us one of your brilliant stories again, yeah?”

“You...you like my stories?”

Muttering the question under their breath, Lee allowed themselves to be guided towards the dining table. As per Graham’s earlier warning, it was completely filled with food. Sandwiches, sausage rolls, little bowls of savoury snacks, salads, pasta. There was far too much for them to count, or process in one go. Still, they sat down next to Yaz, and beamed as Ryan slid a plate across the narrow empty space in front of them.

“You better dig in before me and Graham get in before you. I’ve been keeping my hands to myself for hours now.”

“Bet’cha can’t fill your plate before me.”

While Ryan and Lee both reached across the table and ravenously filled their plates as if neither had eaten before in their life, Graham and Yaz shared an understanding look and held themselves back as the two of them duked it out over first dibs. Quite frankly, Yaz was just happy to hear Lee laughing and see them smiling. The fact they seemed to genuinely get on with Ryan and Graham was just a bonus still. Though, judging by the way Graham was watching the spectacle, he too was noticing the little quirks they had come to forget shine through. The Doctor had always been lightning fast, and she really did have alien reflexes. The amount of times Yaz had caught her swiping a custard cream off a plate before anyone could notice was astronomical. Lee seemed to be no exception to that rule. Their hands moved almost in a blur as they picked off sandwiches and somehow delicate handfuls of crisps to add to their growing mountain plate. A minute or so passed before they leant back in the chair in triumph.

“Bloody hell, how’d you manage to stack it so high?!”

Ryan’s gaze drifted down to his own plate, where several cocktail sausages seemed far too close to rolling for freedom for his liking, never mind the amount of things he had already scattered across other foods. Lee simply stuck their tongue out playfully and shrugged their shoulders, and Yaz could see mischief in their eyes again.

“‘S a secret.Got some good hands on me. You gotta, when you’re pouring cocktails and tryin’ to impress folk. But, all things considered, I’d say it’s a draw. ‘Specially if I just...”

Lee took one of the neat triangle sandwiches from their plate, reached across the table and carefully set it atop Ryan’s own pile of lunch.

“Best competition I’ve had in awhile, Ryan. You’re pretty ace. Think that got my appetite up.”

“Well if you two are done squabbling like some raccoons, maybe us other hungry folk can get a look in, eh Yaz?”

“Sorry…”

Two apologies were quietly spoken, before Ryan and Lee both turned their attention to their plates. Still, it didn’t stop them from continuing their playful banter from opposite sides of the table. Ryan using a broken breadstick as walrus tusks, Lee using a custard cream as an impromptu puppet. It was quite a sight, and on more than one occasion Yaz had found herself choking down some food or drink just from laughing so hard. Even Graham joined in at one point, using two halves of his beloved cheese and pickle sandwiches as ears and pretending to be a dog. The display soon prompted Lee to drop all attention on their food and instead start to talk about the many dreams they had that involved a robot dog.

“K-9 is amazing. Kinda wish he were real. Imagine having a robot dog as a friend. A robot dog who fucking talks too! Just think of all the fun you could have. Science needs to step up its game.”

As lunch had been completely devoured, right down to the last crumb, comfort and conversation had drifted over to the sofas and armchairs. Ryan and Graham took up either end of the plush and well loved sofa, occasionally dropping in words every once in a while. Really, the Doctor had spoken of K-9 very fondly on many occasions, and it was rather difficult to not insinuate that they were indeed a real thing that had happened. Lee seemed not to notice either way, quite content to gesticulate wildly as they draped across the armchair. Their legs dangled off one of the arms, while they propped their shoulders against the other, one hand resting against the shoulder of Yaz who sat on the floor in front of them. She wasn’t entirely sure why she was down there - the floor was uncomfortable, and the other chairs were free for sitting in - but somehow, she was down, and sticking as close to Lee as she possibly could. Once or twice, the stray hand would come and brush against her somehow as they spoke fondly of another space adventure from their ‘dreams’.

“I could probably rig up one of those old toy ones from the two thousands with a couple of videos. You remember those, right Yaz? They didn’t last long but they were all the rage when I was a little kid. Nan got me one from a charity shop when I was, like, five. Loved it.”

“Oh god, don’t remind me. Mom and dad got me and Sonya a couple off ebay when she was old enough to not try and bite it. They got chucked in the bin about a week later because they made too much noise.”

While talk soon shifted again to childhood memories and times at school together, with Graham chiming in often about things from his own youth, Yaz slowly noticed something. There was no longer a hand colliding into her shoulder every couple of seconds, not the feeling of the chair shifting behind her at all. She twisted her head to the side and looked up behind her. Lee had taken their and from off her, and both were now resting against their stomach. Once again, the same pale and hazed expression rested on their face. Having them quieten down was starting to worry her, so Yaz came and took hold of one of their hands, which prompted Lee to eventually look down.

“You okay?”

Her voice was a hushed whisper, passing in under the voices of the boys as they laughed and joked between themselves. Lee tried to smile, but Yaz could see right through it.

“Yeah. ‘M fine. Jus’ don’t have anything to add.”

In that moment, Yaz took the objective decision to take control of things. She quickly got up off the floor, brushing down her jeans before garnering the attention of Graham.

“Thanks for dinner, Graham, it was lovely. I kinda need to get this one home though, while I’ve got chance to use the car. D’you mind if we head off?”

She could feel Lee’s eyes boring into the back of her head, and if they had the will to speak she was sure they’d be trying to backtrack around things. But they didn’t, and Graham eventually shuffled off the sofa and smiled at the both of them.

“Sure, no problem at all. It was lovely having the both of you here. Been a while since there’s been so much bustle around here. Just lemme know when you get there safely, alright?”

“I will. Promise. Thank you, Graham.”

Yaz stepped into the waiting hug, and found herself clinging on tighter to Graham more than she usually did. The same went for Ryan too, and she felt bad for the way he tensed up under her, but he still kept hold until she was ready to let go. Even Lee wasn’t free from some attention from the boys, which made sense. It was nice to see them interacting with them, and truth be told, Yaz didn’t quite know if they were ever going to see them again. Something in the pit of her stomach told her not, and it was hard to keep her emotions in check at the revelation. Taking Lee back to Manchester was the first step into potentially saying goodbye to them.

“Geez, both of you guys have some right arms on you. Kinda feels a little weird to...you know...be involved, I guess. ‘S not like you have to...I’m not family or anything to you lot.”

As Yaz took Lee to the front door, she heard the soft footfall of Graham behind them and watched as he hovered between them.

“Who says you’re not. Yaz told me you don’t have any family, right?”

“Y-yeah...there’s just me. Why?”

“Well, that does mean you’re a part of this little family. If you’ll have us. I know we might seem like a bunch of random strangers to you, but- oof.”

Turning around after having unlocked the door, Yaz was unsure as to what exactly she was seeing. Graham had his arms outstretched as Lee had presumably knocked him back - if the noise was anything to go by - and had attached themselves quite forcibly to his torso. She couldn’t make out their face at all, nor what they said, but eventually Graham took them in with a wide smile. It was like dealing with a small child. It didn’t take long before Lee eventually let him go again and sniffled quietly to themselves, before standing next to Yaz and waving at Ryan through the door frame. As they said their goodbyes and stepped back out onto the street, Yaz paused on the pavement briefly and watched Lee stare back at them with mild confusion.

“What?”

All Yaz could do was smile.

“Nothing. Come on, let’s get back to mine so I can grab the car. You’ll have to direct me once we get into the city though, I’m rubbish with a satnav.”

* * *

“Okay, just keep going up here, and you’ll come to the turn on the left. That’ll get you to the street parking. Not as fancy as your place with its own car park.”

It had been a surprisingly quiet drive from Sheffield to Manchester. Lee had been happily singing along with her to songs on the radio, but had gradually gotten quieter the closer they had gotten to their flat. In fact, Yaz was sure the current string of directions was the most they had spoken for the last fifteen minutes. Still, she followed along, turning down the road and humming as she saw the little blocks of flats. They looked pretty nice, and had half as many floors as her own place did. Carefully, she slid into the only free parking space and turned the engine off. As she unclipped the belt, she turned and saw that Lee was stock still. Yaz wasn’t sure where the police box - potential TARDIS - even was, and had completely forgotten to ask along the way. Not that she probably would have received an answer, given the state Lee was slipping into currently. She tentatively reached over and placed a hand on her shoulder, cursing as they flinched and turned to her with wide eyes.

“S-sorry. Spaced again. Just...feels weird to be back. I’m scared. I just...I want to go home, but...it...it’s gonna be waiting for me.”

“What is?”

“The box.”

Even Yaz found herself going quiet and still in that moment. How was she going to react, coming face to face with the TARDIS again? Was anything wrong with it? Had it been broken, smashed in, left to rot? There were too many possibilities to think of. Really, there was only one way she was ever going to find out. Yaz gave a quiet sigh, squeezing Lee’s shoulder and gently nudging her head to one side.

“Why don’t we go take a look together?”

Another few silent and eerie moments passed before Lee eventually gave a sharp nod and began to hastily exit the car. Really, Yaz couldn’t know what was going on inside their head - she barely had a grasp on her own sense of self in that moment - but she still made her way around to Lee’s side and slotted her hand into their own. When Lee squeezed, it was all she needed to know. The two of them walked along the street, veering off the pathway towards the flats. It took Yaz a surprising amount of time before she even managed to spot a lick of blue paint. But, eventually, she did. Tucked up the side of the flats, between two blocks and an array of bins, was the TARDIS. Lee stood still, refusing to move even after a tug of the arm, leaving Yaz to walk up towards it all on her own. The lights were dead, and the hum of latent energy that usually surrounded the TARDIS was gone. She trailed her fingers over the wood, wincing at how cold and brittle the surface felt. Thankfully, nothing had happened to the outside, not a single chip or crack to be seen. Her hands moved to the sign, tracing the letters of the sign - pull to open, which the Doctor had always ignored - and found herself instantly mourning as nothing happened. Even as she held the handles of the doors and tugged, expecting them to open for her, nothing happened. The TARDIS was...gone.

“How long have you been here?”

Whispering into the wood, Yaz pressed her head against the door, hands balling into fists as they pressed hard against the surface. All that time, all the time she had spent searching, and the Doctor had just been elsewhere. Alone. Afraid. Trapped in the body of someone who had no idea of who they even were. Forever haunted by the sight of a big blue box and dreams of memories unable to be unlocked. It was the saddest thing Yaz had ever heard of.

“I’ll be back for you...I promise.”

It was highly unlikely that the TARDIS was able to even hear her in such a dilapidated and worn down state, but she still tried anyway. The Doctor would have done just the same thing, and she had done when the two had been reunited on Desolation. With a lump in her throat, Yaz slowly made her way back to Lee, found them standing with their arms around their chest again and looking up to the sky. Nothing was said when they noticed Yaz come back, and instead they simply led her inside the second block of flats. The thick and heavy air between them continued to spread as Lee guided Yaz up three flights of stairs and over to their front door. Seeing as the universe had been especially cruel recently, Yaz had half expected for Lee to live at number thirteen or something impossible like that. Thankfully, they didn’t. The flat number was in no way possible linked to that number, and quite frankly she had never been happy to see the number 67 in her whole life. When the red door was pushed open, Yaz slipped inside the flat after Lee, watching them wander off around a corner.

“‘Scuse the mess. Didn’t exactly clean up after...you know.”

As Yaz followed, she stopped in the doorway to the open lounge-dining room. When she had heard the word ‘mess’...it was not what she expected to find. The Doctor was known to be scatterbrained, living in organised unorganised chaos. The state that Lee’s flat was in, was worse than any room Yaz had ever seen on the TARDIS. Least of all the Doctor’s study and personal bedroom. It looked as if an entire library had just dumped itself into a tiny space. Books, magazines, papers and DVD boxes covered every square inch of floor, and every available surface. Yaz could barely see a path through it all. Even Lee had to push a pile of newspapers onto the floor, just to get to the sofa and have somewhere to sit down. The television still crackled with a loading screen, asking for a new disk to be put into the player she couldn’t even see anywhere. Even the kitchen counters were covered, leaving Yaz pondering the state of Lee’s diet for the entire time they had been away. Dark eyes travelled across everything she could see, drawing out various words as she went: physics, chemistry, astronomy, Mars, solar system, black hole, time, time travel, aliens, missing persons, strange sightings. Everything that was tied to the Doctor, was laid bare in front of her.

In amongst the chaos, completely blind to it all, was Lee. Lee, who sat on the sofa, looking down at the circle engraved pocket watch they tossed between their fingers. Lee, who had a strange look in their eyes, and a broken smile on their face.

“What is-”

“Research. I’ve been trying to piece things together. Every time I black out, have a nightmare, have a dream...I find things. Anything. Anything that I can use to relate back to it. To ground myself. To prove I’m not going insane. But gods, do I feel so fucking insane. Every time I flip, I find something new. See someone, hear something, feel like something is missing. I read books, watch videos, and listen to podcasts. People who are complete and utter nutjobs and bloody conspiracy theorists. Batshit crazy people who would probably end up in a psych ward alongside me. Crackpots. People who think lizard people are real, or that the moon landing was fake, or that the government has been keeping aliens a secret for years. Every bit of bullshit and fucked up rhetoric they spout...and you know what, Yaz?”

Yaz shook her head, frozen to the spot as Lee let out a loud and exhausted laugh before looking up at her.

“I fucking believe them. Every single one of them. I believe them all. Everything they say, is what I see inside my head. What I hear, every single fucking day of my pissing life. What little I can even remember of it. Who the fuck has twenty six years of memory loss. Why doesn’t a single doctor or hospital in this bastard city have any records of me? It’s like I don’t even exist. And yet, I do. I know I do. I’m right fucking here! I’m fucking here, losing my mind every day, and for what? What good is any of it, Yaz?! Why the fuck do i wake up every single morning in tears, feeling like my head is going to explode? Or that my chest is gonna burst open and tear itself apart? Why do I have this fucking watch?! I don’t even know how I got it! Yet every day, for the past month, the voices...the voices in my head...her voice...she’s telling me...she’s telling me t-t-t-”

_ ‘Help me.’ _

Not even all the chaos in the universe could stop Yaz. Not now. Books and papers careened in all directions and she shoved everything aside just to get to Lee. She was far too late to stop the watch from gently clattering out of their hands and onto an open book about antimatter drives, but she was just in time to slide onto the sofa and catch them in her arms. As Lee’s face landed in her lap, everything broke apart. Yaz had seen them at their worst, seen them dissociate and lose all sense of self in the middle of Sheffield in the middle of the night. But this...this was far much more personal. They screamed into the fabric of their jeans, fists hitting the free sides of the sofa. Yaz could feel their jaw chattering against their knees, felt their shoulders quaking and body shaking as they cried. It was the worst thing she had ever seen in all her life. No matter what she tried to do - stroking their hair, their back, shushing them, telling them it was going to be okay - nothing was calming them down. All she could hear between cries and sobs, the only words she could even understand through all the pain, were;

“Break the watch. Break the watch. Break the watch.”

Lee kept repeating it, over and over again, in between things that Yaz had never heard before. It was like they were speaking in tongues, in a way that was completely blocking Yaz from having any part of what was going on. Taking all the control away from her, leaving her helpless.

“I don’t want to go...please...please don’t make me go...don’t make me say goodbye...I’m not ready...I’m not ready to go...please...please...I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go...don’t make me go...goodbye...goodbye…”

No.

If there was anything that Yaz knew, it was that the Doctor hated goodbyes. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Lee. She loved them. More than anything else. With that realisation, hitting her like a freight train, there was nothing stopping Yaz from cracking. If she couldn’t exist in a world where Selene Smith did...did she really want to exist in it at all? The tears broke free then, pouring down her cheeks and dropping into Lee’s hair. All the mental gymnastics in the world couldn’t stop her from crumpling into a heap on top of them. And so, they cried together. Cried, and screamed, and sobbed, and begged the universe for something else. Anything at all. Anything that didn’t involve an ending. Didn’t involve a goodbye. The Doctor had warned them - all of them - that things wouldn’t end well if they stayed with her. That so many people had been lost over their countless years, that she couldn’t guarantee their safety. And for all her words, and warnings, it had come to pass that the Doctor couldn’t protect herself from the worst fate of all. Which left Yaz, all alone, stuck with the heavy realisation that if she was ever going to see the Doctor again - the woman she had loved above all else - she was going to have to sacrifice the person she could give her heart to. Someone who could stay, who could grow old with her, who could have a life with her. To save the Doctor, she had to let go of Selene forever.

How was she ever supposed to make that choice?

_ ‘Help me. Help me. Save me.’ _

_ ‘Break the glass. Follow the light.’ _

_ ‘Live great lives…’ _

_ ‘I’m the Doctor.’ _

By the time silence fell through the flat, dark clouds had started to roll over the sky and deep orange light was fading over the city skyline. Yaz slowly uncurled herself from around Lee, sniffling loudly as she dragged both hands through her hair and sighed. Her eyes were burning, her nose was sore, and so was her throat too. Every muscle in her body felt like it had been hit by a train, and it was hard to tear her gaze away from Lee. They had curled up so small into her lap, so tight. They looked small and fragile and almost child-like. Yaz watched as their chest rose and fell slowly, hands twitching against her legs until eventually they too came to sit upright. Hazel-green eyes were almost red raw, puffy and swollen. Dark freckles came up against their rosy red and burning cheeks, lines of dry tears peppering their skin. In the moments it took - almost a lifetime - for Lee to look up at them, Yaz pondered over ten thousand things she could say. Yet she never went for any of them, and instead she merely pulled the exhausted human into their arms and pulled them in as close as she possibly could. It took no time for Lee to wrap their arms around her in kind, and the two stayed clinging to each other for another long stretch of time.

"I'm scared, Yaz…"

"I know. I know you are…"

"I don't know what to do."

It was Yaz who pulled away from the hug first, shifting a hand and tucking several strands of off-grey hair behind Lee's ears. Her fingers traced the sharp line of their skull, until she held onto their cheek and Lee eagerly pressed into the touch.

"Why don't we get your hair done? You said that always makes you happy, right? I mean, I did invite myself to your flat after all. Might as well keep my promise. If...if that's what you want, of course."

That made a smile creep ever so slightly onto Lee's face, and they looked up at her with half lidded eyes.

"Here's me thinking you were gonna ditch me after all this. Can't I do anything to scare you off?"

"No, I'm afraid you're stuck with me now. I'm not easy to shake off."

"Shh, yeah I noticed. Maybe my choice of look will put the fear of God in you. Come on, everything's in my bedroom. I swear it's less of a fucking explosion in there. Well...kinda. Just mind the bowls on the floor. And the biscuit crumbs. And the pile of dirty clothes. And the-"

As their smile grew wider, Yaz shook her head and pulled her hand away. Only to use it to gently shove at Lee's shoulder. They laughed quietly, standing from the sofa and holding a hand out towards Yaz. She let herself be led to the bedroom, and also allowed herself to be pushed to sit on the bed while Lee rooted around in various piles for everything that they needed. After a quick stop to the bathroom to change into dye stained jogging bottoms and an old men's shirt, Lee shook a box of dye in front of Yaz proudly before dropping it into her lap. Yaz looked at it quizzically, taking the time to look between Lee and the box several times before talking.

"Ginger? You're going ginger?"

Lee pouted in mock offence, hands on their hips as they shook their head several times.

"It's not ginger. It's called mango twist. Reading comprehension, please."

"Still looks ginger to me, but alright. Let's get this over with then. Promise I won't leave you some patchy mess."

“You better not or I’m kicking you out of my flat.”

“I’d like to see you kick me out of anywhere. Come on, sit down and let’s go.”

After sticking their tongue out - a gesture that Yaz responded to with equal enthusiasm - Lee wandered over to the bed and sat themselves down on the edge, not before slinging a towel over their shoulders and shuffling around expectantly. It had been a long time since Yaz had dyed anyones hair, she had last done it at school perhaps, that it took her a while to get everything out of the box and the instructions into her head. Not that the breaking down beforehand helped at all. Muttering words under her breath, she carefully got into the giant plastic gloves, fumbling with the sachets and bottle before eventually getting them all into one place. At least it was a simple colour job. Just a squeeze bottle. She totally had this under control. With the tube of colour and sachet of powder safely, and without spillage, tipped into the bottle she started to shake. Even sitting behind Lee, she could practically feel the smirk on their face as she tried to make sure the mixture was completely incorporated. Compared to the Doctor, they sure had a gutter for a brain. She spent a minute shaking the bottle up before shuffling in closer behind Lee and peering over their shoulder.

“You ready?”

“Oh yeah, fuck me up fam.”

“Don’t...don’t ever say that again...please. It sounds so wrong.”

With that, Yaz began the task of getting the dye into lee’s hair. Much to her surprise, it was easier than she had thought. Normally, Lee was so full of energy and completely unable to sit still for more than a minute at a time. She found it easy to draw lines of the orange dye across her hairline and rub it in, and actually swore blind that she could hear them making contented little sighs every once in a while. Still, Yaz didn’t bring it up, simply content to sit in the silence and do what she was meant to do. The dye itself was thankfully thick enough that it wasn’t dripping all over the place and ruining her neat work. She was able to get all of the darker roots of Lee’s hair done before working onto the main mass that slunk over their shoulders. Although, it was kind of hard to work with only one hand available to her. No matter how she tried to hold the bottle - it was hard to slot in between her legs, as Lee took up most of the space - she couldn’t find anywhere to put it where it wouldn’t just tip over the star patterned bed sheets.

“Do you think you’d be able to hold the bottle for me? You know, while I work the dye into the long bits.”

Lee held up a towel above their head, so Yaz could see it, before settling it back down into their lap.

“Always bring a spare. Never know when it’ll come in handy. Go get yourself all coloured up, then pass me the bottle. You’ll probably be able to see all the different looks I’ve tried by the sheer amount of stains on this thing. Might frame it one day, to be honest.”

After loading one hand up with the coppery orange dye, Yaz leant to one side and handed the bottle to Lee. Sure enough, the towel they used was covered in random splotches of colour. Pink, blue, green and a few spots of yellow and red too. It looked like one of the cluster galaxies she had seen. Shaking her head and clearing the thought, Yaz carried on.

By the time she had finished the work of working the dye into every single hair she could find, Yaz could feel the tiredness starting to take over. The muscle weakness crept in again so slowly, but it still hit her hard, and she let out a loud sigh after she scooped all the orange hair atop Lee’s head. She peeled the gloves off her hands and shoved them into the empty dye box, along with the bottle that was handed back to her. It had taken almost half the time it took for the dye to settle before she had finished. Lee was seemingly no longer phased by what had happened earlier, and jumped off the bed like they had just been filled with copious amounts of sugar. They skipped and hopped over the pile of stuff on their floor until they got to the mirror that was on their wardrobe door and inspected the starts of their new hairdo. They twisted and turned on the spot, trying to see all angles, before looking back with an almost Cheshire-like grin on their face.

“You did amazing. I always figured you’d be good with your h-”

“You dare finish that sentence and I am walking out of that door.”

“Oooh, okay. Zippin’ it now. Listen, I’m gonna go get the shower ready. Feel free to just chill until I get back. Have a nap, even, I don’t mind. Catch you in a bit.”

Like that, Yaz was left in a room she had absolutely no connection to, all on her own. It felt strange to be in Lee’s bedroom. Her eyes wandered, catching sight of so many things she had not noticed at all. The walls had various rock band posters on, but also there were fairy lights around the bedframe and across the top of the wardrobe. A bass guitar with no strings lay abandoned in one corner, next to an impossibly high stack of CDs. It was a mishmash of two identities, science and music, all existing in one place. There was no harmony between the two sides, though. Everything was as disorganised as the lounge was. Just thinking about it for too long was giving Yaz a headache. Lifting her hands to her face, she groaned into her palms before falling back against the bed. As she removed them and looked up, she saw a mass of glow in the dark stars and moons scattered around the shadeless light on the ceiling. Maybe a nap wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Dragging herself along the quilt until she got to a deflated stack of pillows, Yaz let her head fall against them and her eyes close. For something that seemed to creak and groan at every movement, Lee’s bed was surprisingly comfortable and she found it very easy to relax into it.

_ ‘I don’t really want to go home.’ _

Bringing her knees closer to her chest, Yaz drifted into a strange state of lucid dreaming. Or, that was what she assumed it was. She knew she was dreaming, or at least going through a memory. She was on the TARDIS, walking around the console room. It was lit the same familiar gold she loved, and there was a hum of life under her feet. The central crystal rose and fell at a steady pace, hissing and whistling every once in a while. Yaz was alone as she wandered around, but it didn’t matter. It was so nice to be back on board. Her fingers moved across the controls of the central console, the ship practically urging her to play around with them. Except, she was scared. While she knew a little about how the TARDIS flew and needed to be piloted, she was alone. Inexperienced. It was a bad idea. Still, the strange longing to explore was still pushing her forwards, and soon Yaz was flicking switches and pulling levers in as random a fashion as the Doctor, until the TARDIS sprang into life.  But, just as it started to whir into life, she jolted awake. Yaz looked around the room, realising she was still in Lee’s flat, catching the sound of the shower fading and turning down. She needed to get ready to go home. It wouldn’t be long until Lee was back, and then she would be on the road back to Sheffield. Alone.

“Get a grip, Khan.”

Berating herself, she pushed herself to the end of the bed and expectantly waited. There was little else she could do. Except, maybe finally message Graham. The thought had entirely passed her by, and a wave of guilt washed over her. Pulling the phone from her pocket, she was at least relieved that neither he nor Ryan had seemingly noticed her complete lack of attention to them. She typed out an apology and update message as quickly as she could, conveniently omitting the whole breakdown scenario. She would rather tell them in person, anyway. It felt better that way. A second or two later, the message was sent off, and Yaz returned the phone to her pocket. Just in enough time to hear the patter of feet coming down the hallway from the bathroom.

“Whatcha think, then, Yaz? Reckon it’s my colour?”

Lurking in the doorway, Lee stepped across the threshold and gestured towards their hair. In that moment, Yaz was almost positive she forgot how to breathe. Still wet hair clung to Lee’s neck and shoulders, their body only covered by a very oversized Muse shirt. All traces of the silver and blue had been covered over by the orange dye, their roots starting a very dark copper before fading down to a bright fiery shade. It was such a contrast to their hazel-green eyes, that somehow looked a little more golden. Yaz sat there, stared, long enough for Lee’s face to fall slightly and their hands come into their hair to inspect the strands.

“I-I mean...I think it’s okay. Bit of a drastic change I know but...um...Yaz?”

Dropping their hair back down, Lee looked back up to see Yaz creeping towards them. They opened their mouth to speak again, but nothing came out besides a little squeak as they felt their back collide into the wall. Incredibly dark eyes stared back at them, roaming over their face, leaving Lee feeling a little more than confused. Especially considering Yaz was practically on their toes to get to their level. Again, they tried to speak, but instead of their own body betraying them, it was Yaz that cut them off. Not by talking, which is what they were almost one hundred percent sure was going to happen. A little apology. Maybe Yaz was gonna tear into them for their poor life choices, and their hair was shit. No, it wasn’t either of those things at all. Instead, Lee froze up as Yaz kissed them. Hard. Much harder than Lee had ever thought - or dared - to do on their dates before. It was a shock, sure, except it was the best shock that they had ever experienced in their life. Hazel-green eyes closed and hands came to knot into Yaz’s hair as Lee let themselves be taken over by the sheer presence that Yaz had managed to build up and completely surround themselves with. Yaz didn’t care that Lee was sopping wet, didn’t care that the moisture was leaking into her clothes, all she cared about was how soft and warm and alive Lee felt. She moved her hands into wet hair and dragged her nails down Lee’s scalp, delighting in the moan across her lips.

Until her brain kicked in again.

Yaz practically leapt away like she had been burnt, despite being entirely enthusiastic only a second ago, mouth close to the floor as she tried to apologise.

“Oh. Oh god. Lee. I’m. I’m so sorry. I just...it’s just that...oh, I know I’m only here to dye your hair, but-”

She was cut off mid ramble by the sound of delighted laughter.

“Oh, ye of little faith. You think I didn’t just enjoy the shit outta that? Really? Come on now, Yaz, use that big police brain of yours. Sure, it might not have been my initial intention to get to here, this is one hell of a bonus. And, I’m not complaining.”

It was then that the power dynamics drastically shifted, and Yaz felt unadulterated fear at being on the receiving end of someone’s advances. She couldn’t help but walk backwards as Lee made their way forward, knees hitting the back of the bed as they watched them smirk with glee.

“Though, the thing is, if you’re really so down to fuck...we gotta get you out of those clothes.”

* * *

Twisting in the sheets, Yaz rolled onto her side and slowly opened her eyes. She had expected to see Lee sleeping soundly beside her. Either that, or already awake and looking at her. Or, just being there at all. Except when Yaz’s eyes finally adjusted to the low morning light...there was nobody beside her. The bed covers weren’t even tossed aside, they were pressed together neatly like they had never been there at all. Feeling panic rise in their blood, Yaz quickly sat up, clinging to the quilt. She remembered everything that happened the night before. Would Lee really ditch her, right in their own home? No, that wasn’t like them at all. Yaz needed to think. She looked around the room, seeing her own clothes scattered across the floor. Near the door, she saw the shirt that Lee had worn when they had come from the shower, but apart from that, there was something else. One of the piles of clothes had been disrupted, scattered further around the room. Lee had gotten dressed. But, that still didn’t explain where they were. Maybe they had just gotten up early for a drink. That was...plausible. It had happened yesterday. Even if it was highly unlikely that they would have woken up early two days in a row. Nothing was making sense, and that worried her. Her only option was to call them.

“Lee? Are you okay?”

Silence greeted Yaz. She couldn’t even hear any movement from outside the bedroom. The pit of worry started to work its way ever deeper inside her. She had to move. Jumping out of the bed, Yaz desperately struggled into her clothes. Clean things could wait. Everything could wait. The world could wait. She needed to know that Lee was okay. Several times she crashed into piles of junk and into the bed, cursing and swearing as she did so. It didn’t matter that her shirt was on backwards, or that her bra was still on the floor, she needed to get out. Yaz powered down the short hallway and into the dual function central room, frantically looking around. No mugs. No Lee. Nothing at all.

“Lee?!”

She was getting frantic now, hands coming into her hair and pulling on the strands so tight that it made her hiss and wince. Think. She had to think. There had to be something else around. She was a police officer, good at spotting the changes in her environment, she just needed to focus. Closing her eyes, Yaz took in a slow deep breath before looking around the room again. The floor was still awash with various books and general chaos. Nothing really looked out of place.

“Where’s the watch?”

Dark eyes looked down at the sofa, at the mess all around it, but there was no hint of silver around. Yaz knew full well that the watch had just dropped, and neither she nor Lee had bothered to move it from the floor. It should still be there, except she couldn't see it. Yaz dropped down to her knees and started to throw books and newspapers around the room. Her hands dived under the sofa, trying to feel anything cold and round underneath it. But, there was nothing. Nothing at all. It was gone. Lee was gone.

“They wouldn’t…”

Scrambling back to their feet, Yaz ran to the balcony doors and pulled the curtains away. She yanked them with such force that some of the hooks came away from the railing and the fabric hung limp and at a strange angle. Fingers fumbled with the key in the door and when Yaz eventually got the doors open, she was greeted by cold air and a barely visible sunrise. Stepping outside, she peered over the balcony, cursing again. She could only see the front of the lot. If Lee was going to be anywhere, it was going to be at the side of the flats. Because that was where the TARDIS was. Yaz had no idea what the pocket watch was for apart from some basic knowledge, but she knew it had everything to do with Time Lords and the TARDIS itself.

“LEE?!”

She didn’t care that she was likely to wake the neighbours, she needed to get an answer. But again, she got nothing but silence and some escaping birds.

“Shit, shit, shit.”

There was no way they were going to do anything that stupid.

Right?

Yaz didn’t even bother to shut the balcony door as she raced through the flat and forcibly opened the front door. The hinges creaked and groaned in response to the heavy handling, but that didn’t matter to Yaz. She had to get outside. Loud footsteps crashed and echoed through the stairwell, and she almost fell down a couple of the steep concrete steps along the way. Her lungs burnt as she tried to breathe, tried to keep her mind focused, but it was too hard. Who was she even supposed to be looking for?

“Selene!”

Again, she almost dragged the entry door to the flats off its hinges as she raced out into the open air. It was somehow colder than it had been on the balcony, and Yaz could feel goosebumps creeping across her skin. Eyes turned this way and that, trying to catch a glimpse of them. Maybe she was wrong and they had just gone out to...somewhere. Somewhere that clearly wasn’t within earshot. There was only one place left for her to look, but Yaz found herself practically rooted to the spot. She couldn’t do it. So many worst case scenarios were flying through her mind. Just some eight hours ago, she was the happiest person in the universe. And so was Lee. Weren’t they?

“Lee, where are you?”

Despite their body feeling like lead under the pressure of extreme gravity, Yaz pushed through and headed to the alleyway between the flats. When she rounded the corner, though, her world really did some crashing down. While the lights of the TARDIS still weren’t on, the two doors had been pulled open. Pulled. The Doctor didn’t read the sign. She never had done. Either way,the whos and the whats didn’t matter. All Yaz cared about was that the TARDIS was suddenly open, and there was still no sign of Lee anywhere around her. A new wave of energy hit, and she ran. She ran to the TARDIS, around the doors and found herself inside. Everything was dark and grey and lifeless, but she wasn’t alone in there. Lying on the floor just shy of the console, was Lee. The pocket watch was almost a foot away, and Yaz couldn’t see if anything had happened to it, but that didn’t matter.

“LEE!”

Falling up the two steps and crawling across the floor to their side, Yaz dragged Lee into their lap and started to check them over. There were no cuts anywhere, no sign that they had had another blackout, and they were breathing. But they clearly hadn’t responded to her shouting. Yaz carefully positioned Lee’s head into her lap, swiping strands of ginger hair away from their face as they looked down at how pallid their skin had gone.

“Lee? Lee, come on, don’t do this to me. Not now. _Please_. Not now. Lee, wake up.”

Yaz mentally berated herself over and over again - how could she have been so stupid - and felt tears start to well in her eyes. After everything that had happened, everything she had been through with Selene, nothing would ever come close to the amount of guilt and fear she felt in that moment. As she choked back a sob, Yaz closed her eyes and prayed. She prayed to all the stars, all the gods, everyone and everything that she would get a response.

“Y-Yaz?”

Thankfully, she did.

“Lee! Oh my god, I’m so glad that y-”

“Who’s Lee? Yaz, are you...are you alright? Why d’you look like you’re gonna cry? What’s happened?”

* * *

The Doctor sat alone on the TARDIS steps, looking out blankly towards the console. It had been a month since she had ‘come back’. A month since she had told her fam about what had happened. After Yaz had spent almost half an hour crying in her arms, she had managed to get the Tardis to land inside Graham's living room again. There, she told them about what happened after Gallifrey. How she had left it unscathed, but found herself in prison. She held back the struggles and the pain she had experienced in there, even left out how she had managed to escape, focusing instead on the Chameleon Arch. the Doctor had wanted to hide, to start again, forget everything had ever happened. Put the Arch to the highest setting she could muster, and broke the TARDIS in the process. Overloaded the circuits. Completely fried her own brain to pieces. Except, she was a Time Lord. Still. Even with all the cloaking. It had just taken a very long time for parts of her to knit back together again.

“So...you don’t remember anything from the last year?”

“Nope. Not at all. Side effect of the arch. Might need to, uh...sort out whatever I did to myself. Nothing a trip to Loxtlal won’t fix.”

Everything had gone back to normal. Or, that was what the Doctor had tried to do. It had been a rough month, with only two trips outside of time and space with her fam. They had told her they needed some time to come around to the whole thing, and she had gladly accepted. Except, it was Yaz who had needed the time. Yaz, who had hardly spoken a word to her since she had come back. Yaz...who wasn’t the Yaz she had left behind. The Doctor let out a long sigh, resting her head in her hands and raking her nails across her scalp. Silence soon became broken by a gentle flashing of golden light, accompanied by tweets and beeps from her beloved ship.

“I’m okay...really. Everything’s fine.”

She was lying through her teeth, and the TARDIS knew it, but went back to being silent.

The Doctor hadn’t forgotten. She remembered everything. She remembered her first day as Lee, all the confusion and the fear. She also remembered their last day...but that was why she had to forget. Pretend to have forgotten. Played so dumb that once or twice she had even fooled herself. The Doctor hated lying, except it was all she was good for. Lying protected Yaz from the truth. Lying protected Yaz from herself, and allowed her the time to grieve. Lying was the only way to keep her from getting close to her - to the person that was no longer quite the Doctor and not quite Lee - in order to keep her safe. Sure, it hurt her more than anything. To see the distant look in Yaz’s eyes every time she said hi or suggested a trip in the TARDIS, only to be shot down every single time. It was the way things needed to be. For both their sakes. Selene Smith was dead...and as always, only a broken Doctor remained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THAT'S THE END OF SELENE!
> 
> Or...is it?  
> Look, I've come to love this little genderless gremlin child too much. Way too much.  
> They deserve a happy ending! And, that's just what I'm gonna give them.  
> I'm gonna make an AU of an AU and nobody can stop me!!!
> 
> Selene and Yaz deserve to be happy and I will do just that in a complete retelling of this story in a human AU setting.  
> I hope you're ready for a little less emotional drama and more two idiots being happy and discovering life together.
> 
> Where The Spirits Flow Free - coming soon (aka whenever I get my ass into gear)


End file.
